40 Things I Know at 50

Carol Leifer

Carol Leifer

If you plan on having your lover’s name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible “I Hate” down the road.

By: Carol Leifer

#  The people who frequent nude beaches are never the people you want to see naked.

#  Making love to a woman is like buying real estate — “Location, location, location!”

#  Never buy expensive thong underwear. One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark.

#  Never put your baby’s length on a birth announcement. It’s a baby, not a marlin.

#  If you see a woman with a big belly, never ask if she’s pregnant or when she’s due. Trust me.

#  If you have a garage sale at your house, don’t be afraid to put anything and everything out. (I once sold half a bottle of Listerine.)

# Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure.

# When someone says, “To make a long story short,” they’re already too late.

# When a waiter asks you to taste the wine and you’re clueless, sip it and then say, “Yeah, that should get me hammered.”

# Badly cut bangs do always grow back.

# A great birthday gift for a woman you don’t like who’s about to turn forty? Magnifying mirror.

# Best job for a woman? Judge. She gets to wear a big black weight-hiding muumuu all day.

# Worst job for a woman? Naval recruit. How anyone would have the courage to wear white pants all year is beyond me.

# When someone starts a sentence with “No offense . . . ,” you can bet they are about to say something incredibly offensive. (Same goes for “Nothing personal . . .” and “Can I give you some constructive criticism?”)

# Tequila should always be sold with an instant camera attached to it so the next day you have some idea of what happened.

# Five-minute drum solos are always four and a half minutes too long.

# The phrase “good toupee” is an oxymoron.

# I believe that we can take the word “morbidly” out of the phrase “morbidly obese.” It seems mean and gratuitous, like calling someone stroke-inducingly plain.

# Worst question to ask an elderly person? “How are you feeling?” You’ll be there for days. (Second worst question? “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”)

# Someone named Adolph has a hard time dating.

# When a salesperson in a clothing store tells you that you look great in something, always remember that they work on commission.

# The sunny side of the street is the one with the threat of skin cancer on it.

# Never wear high heels to an event if you’re going to be outside on a lawn.

# If your thighs make noise while wearing corduroy pants, you need to lose some weight.

# If you can tie a cherry stem with your tongue, you are really good at sex.

# A witch’s tit is not colder than anyone else’s tit.

# When your husband suggests experimenting sexually with multiple “inputs,” politely remind him that you are a woman and not a surge protector.

#  Never refer to a woman as “ma’am,” even if she’s ninety years old. No one likes it.

# You may not rationalize eating an entire pint of ice cream by claiming it was for the calcium.

# Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread.

# No one looks good eating a burrito. Not even a porn actress.

# A fly in an airplane is very lost.

# Men recuperate from the death of a spouse much sooner than women do.

# When you offer someone a mint, they will invariably ask, “Why, do I need one?”

# Never buy Sweet’N Low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket. That’s what restaurants are for.

# If you plan on having your lover’s name tattooed on your arm, always leave room before it for a possible “I Hate” down the road.

# Why do men have nipples? What’s the point? They’re like plastic fruit.

# Professional bodybuilders look like walking challahs.

# Never complain about your age to someone older than you.

# Director Norman Jewison is ironically not Jewish.

About the Author:

Carol Leifer’s book When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win: Reflections on Looking in the Mirror will have you nodding in agreement and laughing out loud in sheer delight.

Carol Leifer is an accomplished stand-up comedian and an Emmy-nominated writer and producer for her work on such television shows as Seinfeld, The Larry Sanders Show, Saturday Night Live, and the Academy Awards. She has starred in several of her own comedy specials, which have aired on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central. Her “big break” came when David Letterman unexpectedly showed up one night at the Comic Strip in New York City and caught Carol’s show. His visit led to her making twenty-five guest appearances on Late Night with David Letterman. Carol has also been seen on The Tonight Show, Real Time with Bill Maher, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and The Oprah Winfrey Show. She starred in and created the WB sitcom Alright Already. She lives in Santa Monica with her partner, their son, and their seven rescue dogs.

For more information, view Carole Leifer’s Web site.