I thought I wasn’t allowed to be the sensitive, sweet girl, so I built myself a shell. It was strong, tough, and made me untouchable. It seemed like the better way; like that was what people wanted me to be.
Have you ever wondered which parts of you, could change your life dramatically for the better if you just stopped shoving it away? What parts of you does God see that makes Him smile? What parts of yourself that if you gave it a voice, might be a key to your freedom? Are you willing to find them, peel off the layers of shame and condemnation so that you can begin to see them as the gifts that they are? What if the thing you have deemed as your greatest flaw, is actually your greatest strength?
For me, it was my sensitivity. Despite the strength that I’ve been told I project, I am actually a pretty delicate flower inside. Unfortunately, in my formative years, my family would mock and belittle me for my fragility. So, I learned to swallow it down and pretend not to be sensitive or tender. Well, what I have learned over many years of poor choices, is that emotions are much like poop. If you aren’t releasing it, it’s probably gunking up your system and it will eventually backfire. All that shit has to go somewhere, otherwise, it WILL poison you from the inside out. Emotions aren’t inherently toxic, but when they are ignored, swallowed down, or judged, they ferment and will infect you (as well as everyone around you).
I thought I wasn’t allowed to be the sensitive, sweet girl, so I built myself a shell. It was strong, tough, and made me untouchable. It seemed like the better way; like that was what people wanted me to be. However, I really wanted people to love me… the real me, the sensitive me. The one who no one was seeing anymore because I was busy hiding in my protective shell.
I learned to swallow down all my emotions… good and bad. I packed them neatly in a box in the back of my mind labeled “do not f…ing touch.” As crafty as that was, it just didn’t work long-term. What I know now is that when emotions are swallowed down like that, they work like a pot of boiling water…eventually you create enough steam and the lid will blow right off. And blow I did. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t, while actively hiding the parts of me that are REAL and that WANTED to be seen. I was fighting my own identity in some twisted effort to fit-in and be liked, and so the pressure in the pot would build until I exploded on everyone around me. And I did this, again and again, and again. Continuously alienating everyone around me, sabotaging my own happiness due to the deep inner conflict I had around been my true self.
So, I ask you, what’s the point of pretending if it doesn’t f—ing WORK? Deep down, we all know it doesn’t. Instead of being “soft” I became “brash.” I was getting the same amount rejection pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and I was making myself miserable in the process.
I AM BOLD
I AM BRAVE
I AM LOVE
I AM BEAUTY
I AM LIGHT
I AM JOY
I AM F…ING AWESOME
What is this?
I call this my I AM board. There are so many voices in our modern world telling us who we should be, what to think, how to act, or what to look like. I use this as a daily a reminder of who I AM and what I choose. It’s much easier and a lot more fun to stand in what you ARE, rather than to resist it. Stop fighting to be a person you don’t want to be…. it’s a waste of energy. Instead, start owning who you ARE, and start allowing yourself to appear as your true self (without all the other BS attached).
So, this is the next place where the rubber meets the road: conscious choice. You can’t change what you’re not consciously choosing; if you are subconsciously believing or agreeing with something that is false, then that belief will run the show. The point of the I AM board is two-fold:
* To consciously choose something I WANT, and
* To be HONEST with myself about what I’m subconsciously choosing.
About the Author:
WHO IS KATIE HULBERT?
As a cult and abuse survivor, Katie Hulbert is quickly becoming a powerful voice within the self-help community. Having been raised in the shepherding movement, within a family deeply entrenched in church (cult) leadership, she was subjected to years of spiritual, emotional and sexual abuse.
At the age of 25, after an intense battle with suicide and a power encounter with the divine, she started on her healing journey. Her mission now is to empower others to do the same. Her approach, grounded in scientific and spiritual truths, is from the perspective of one who has actually had to walk the road to freedom, one step at a time. As a result, she is a no-nonsense, straight-talking and extremely transparent expert on overcoming fear and shame.
You can connect with me at www.shifthappensanyway.com or www.instagram.com/kthulbert
And get your copy of GURL Please at Amazon.