Attractive Woman

Despite the vast numbers of sonnets and songs, scientists believe that courtship between humans happens predominantly on a nonverbal level.

By: Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

Hey, Good-Lookin’

Physical appearance is, of course, one of the very first things we notice about one another. A male bird’s beautiful, brightly colored plumage intrigues prospective mates. The same is true of humans. I recently tried to persuade a good friend that charm and charisma were the things that men eventually and ultimately responded to in a woman. “The first thing we notice,” he replied, without missing a beat, “is how she looks. If we don’t think she’s attractive, we never even get to the charm and charisma.”

A study done in 1990 showed that women favored men with large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a large chin, and a big smile. The researchers who did the study said that these features indicated “sexual maturity and dominance.” These characteristics are indicative of high levels of testosterone, which shapes the larger size and sharper contours of the male face. (Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for the round softness of women’s faces and the extra fat in their cheeks and lips.) On some primal level, women found these very “masculine” facial characteristics attractive. Women were most attracted to men who seemed sociable, approachable, and of high social status. They also gave high marks to expensive or elegant clothing; apparently, it’s not just birds who like beautiful plumage.

Men, on the other hand, look for features that signify good health: regular features, a good complexion, and a good body. (It will perhaps interest you to learn that — as you dreaded in junior high school — while large breast size does influence sexual attractiveness, it does not carry a lot of weight in mate selection.)

Another interesting observation: People choose mates with physical characteristics similar to their own (hence couples really do took alike, as dogs resemble their owners).

Are we all just fundamental narcissists? I think it’s more likely that after a lifetime of looking at ourselves in the mirror, our features and coloring seem “right” to us somehow. Maybe we choose the genetic material closest to our own, in an “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” paradigm.

About the Authors:
Marianne J. Legato, FACP, is an internationally known academic physician, author, and lecturer. She is a professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University, where she founded and heads the Partnership for Gender-Specific Medicine. One of the world’s foremost experts on gender medicine and winner of many awards for her work, she is the author of The Female Heart, What Women Need to Know, andEve’s Rib. She recently edited the widely acclaimed academic textbook, Principles of Gender-Specific Medicine.

Laura Tucker is the coauthor of several health and medical books. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband and daughter.

Photo: gorbelabda

Getting Married

Plan now for having the time to be married which means time for courting and time for dating and probably means sacrificing something in your current agenda.

By: Janet Blair Page, PhD.

1. Stop whining

Lost and rotten relationships are last year’s mistakes now. You have or haven’t erred. Or the only thing you may have learned is whom to avoid. It’s time to curb the learning curve and stop analyzing your love past. There is no need for review, regret, or remorse. You have amassed enough object lessons in 2011. It’s time to get going.

Place a moratorium on blame. Make a new year’s vow to set break time from the friends and family who help keep you mired in guilt and sorrow.

How terrible they were or pitiful you were is yesterday’s news. Re-injury by reliving your nightmares only gets in the way of your dreams.

And even more importantly cease fire on all negative self-talk. Your biggest enemy is you. Mental reviews may be your biggest problem. You are the ultimate captive audience the one from whom you can neither run nor hide.

2. De-clutter

You may not be in a relationship or dating a possible dream mate but at least you can be at the start — facing forward not backward or anchored in a go nowhere relationship. No baggage is a good beginning. So eliminate deadwood as a new year’s gift.

If the man of the moment is not someone you would marry or who would marry you (and, yes, you do know the difference), dump him now. You’ll be less depressed. Ask yourself “do I feel better about myself when I’m with him, is he _______ (your top 3 and only 3 requirements for a husband), and does he seem interested in marriage or at least on the path to eating out of your hand”?
If so, good – proceed.
If not please say goodbye.

3. Re-order your schedule and your life

Take a long look at your time commitments and plans for the year ahead. Are they to please others or yourself? Do they further finding the love of your life and/or dating someone who might be? Whose life are you leading?

Remove time gobblers and anything you dread that truly is not necessary.

And keep your regrets brief. A simple “I am sorry I won’t be able to keep that appointment but thank you” can keep you out of trouble with anyone or anything that that doesn’t align with your priorities.

At least three times a week schedule meeting opportunities that will make the man of your dreams that much closer by no more than three degrees of separation. You need to be where a number of single eligible men might show up, someone who knows single, eligible men or someone who might know single, eligible men. No other venues will do. Your fairy tale is possible but he won’t drop from the living room ceiling. You don’t know where he’s coming from but you must network and have some visibility to let him find you.

If your new year’s schedule looks bleak, take heart — a blank slate can be a good thing. Use the time to schedule preparation time for the future you want to have — take a class that is feel good, achieves a personal goal, or provides opportunity to meet eligible men or hunting buddies. Write into your schedule what will make you better, fitter, prettier, more informed, social adept, or happy.

4. Visualize your dream

This is your movie. Write your script. Replace thoughts and feelings of what you don’t have with thoughts and feelings about your life and love relationships, as you want them to be. Feel how good it will feel to have life as you envision it and the man you want to love. Experience the joy — why wait when your images of the future can make you smile now.

Remove yourself from any who have a pathetic view of you or your future and draw closer your fans and supporters who can see you as you want to be imagined: happily and successfully in love and married. Their energy can help when yours falters and they can be your scouts on the look for your future mate.

5. Take action

There are steps to making a dream a reality. If you want to be with your dream mate in a year, you need to set your goal and your schedule to match it now.

Plan now for having the time to be married which means time for courting and time for dating and probably means sacrificing something in your current agenda. Even if you only eliminate the sitting around and sulking time, some Facebook, work, TV, obsessive texting, or spurious reading has to go. You need to schedule and protect time to date, to meet that date, and be date ready. Your mood and appearance scream either “I would like to meet you” or “don’t even think of approaching me” and if you fall in the grey area, you are losing. Don’t leave home without your friendliest version of yourself.

You need to dress your attitude and yourself not only for a date but to get a date. You have the double pleasure of looking and feeling good and having more draw, so go for it. Looks aren’t everything. I’ve seen many the woman with a sparkling personality who could make a greater beauty seem like wallpaper. But some attention to looks signifies the desire to attract — a primal basic of mating. You don’t have to knock yourself out, just don’t be scaring away potential suitors.

Planning is the key and planning should start day one of the year. One thing you know is that what you were doing last year didn’t work. This is your year for change. If love is what you want and are missing, other goals and obligations can stay on your radar but he becomes the top of your agenda.

© 2011 Janet Blair Page, PhD author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”

About the Author:
Janet Blair Page, PhD, author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is a psychotherapist with more than thirty years of experience in private practice in New York and Atlanta. She teaches at Emory University and has been in the New York Times, Glamour and on CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show.She lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

For more information please visit Dr Janet Page

Women Celebrating Birthday

I conducted a research project designed to tap the wisdom of older Americans. The result was a set of lessons from the people I have called “the wisest Americans.”

By: Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

In contemporary society, we don’t often ask our elders for advice. We’re much more likely to talk to professionals, read books by pop psychologists or motivational speakers, or troll the internet for solutions to our problems. In general (and for the first time in human history), we no longer look to our society’s oldest members as a key source of wisdom for how to live happier, healthier, and more fulfilling lives.

As a gerontologist, I have come to believe that this attitude is a serious mistake. Older individuals (especially persons age 70 and beyond), are in fact the most credible experts we have available for knowledge about how to live well through hard times. They have been through unique historical experiences – such as the Great Depression and World War II – that have taught them how to thrive in the face of adversity. And they have personally experienced many of the tragedies younger people dread, giving them the ability to advise the rest of us about resilience in the face of illness and loss.

Over the past 6 years, I’ve conducted a research project designed to tap the practical wisdom of older Americans. Using several different social science methods, I’ve collected responses from over 1200 elders to the question: “Over the course of your life, what are the most important lessons you would like to pass on to younger people.” I then combed through the responses, and the result was a set of lessons for living from the people I have called “the wisest Americans.”

As I look back over years of talking with America’s elders, 10 lessons stand out as those they would like to convey to young people. Read these “Top 10 Lessons for Living” and see how they apply to your own life.

1. Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones. Although many grew up in poverty, the elders believe that the biggest career mistake people make is selecting a profession based only on potential earnings. A sense of purpose and passion for one’s work beats a bigger paycheck any day.
2. Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years: Stop using “I don’t care how long I live” as an excuse for bad health habits. Behaviors like smoking, poor eating habits and inactivity are less likely to kill you than to sentence you to years or decades of chronic disease. The elders have seen the devastation that a bad lifestyle causes in the last decades of life – act now to prevent it.
3. Say “Yes” to opportunities: When offered a new opportunity or challenge, you are much less likely to regret saying yes and more likely to regret turning it down. They suggest you take a risk and a leap of faith when opportunity knocks.
4. Choose a mate with extreme care: The key is not to rush the decision, taking all the time needed to get to know the prospective partner and to determine your compatibility with them. Said one respondent: “Don’t rush in without knowing each other deeply. That’s very dangerous, but people do it all the time.”
5. Travel more: Travel while you can, sacrificing other things if necessary to do so. Most people look back on their travel adventures (big and small) as highlights of their lives and regret not having traveled more. As one elder told me, “If you have to make a decision whether you want to remodel your kitchen or take a trip—well, I say, choose the trip!”
6. Say it now: People wind up saying the sad words “it might have been” by failing to express themselves before it’s too late. The only time you can share your deepest feelings is while people are still alive. According to an elder we spoke with: “If you have a grudge against someone, why not make it right, now? Make it right because there may not be another opportunity, who knows? So do what you can do now.
7. Time is of the essence: Live as though life is short—because it is. The point is not to be depressed by this knowledge but to act on it, making sure to do important things now. The older the respondent, the more likely they were to say that life goes by astonishingly quickly. Said one elder: “I wish I’d learned that in my thirties instead of in my sixties!”
8. Happiness is a choice, not a condition: Happiness isn’t a condition that occurs when circumstances are perfect or nearly so. Sooner or later you need to make a deliberate choice to be happy in spite of challenges and difficulties. One elder echoed almost all the others when she said: ““My single best piece of advice is to take responsibility for your own happiness throughout your life.”
9. Time spent worrying is time wasted: Stop worrying. Or at least cut down. It’s a colossal waste of your precious lifetime. Indeed, one of the major regrets expressed by the elders was time wasted worrying about things that never happened.
10. Think small: When it comes to making the most of your life, think small. Attune yourself to simple daily pleasures and learn to savor them now.

As the holidays approach, that last lesson is a great one to think about. Because of their awareness that life is short, the elders have become attuned to the minute pleasures that younger people often are only aware of if they have been deprived of them: a morning cup of good coffee, a warm bed on a winter night, a brightly colored bird feeding on the lawn, an unexpected letter from a friend, even a favorite song on the radio (all pleasures mentioned in my interviews). Paying special attention to these “microlevel” events forms a fabric of happiness that lifts them up on a daily basis. They believe the same can be true for younger people as well – and it’s well worth a try at any age!

And if you learn something valuable from an elder, or your own family elders would like to share their advice, you can add it to our website The Legacy Project and be entered for a chance to win $100 Amazon gift card, now through December 31st!

About the Author:
Karl Pillemer is a professor of human development at Cornell University and Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. An internationally renowned gerontologist, his research examines how people develop and change throughout their lives. He has authored five books and over 100 scientific publications, and speaks throughout the world on aging-related issues.

After a chance encounter with a remarkable 90-year old woman, Dr. Pillemer decided to find out what older people know about life that the rest of us don’t. His quest led him to ask more than a thousand older Americans their advice for living. He asked about all the big issues – love, marriage, children, work, happiness, avoiding regrets. This 6-year project led to the book: 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, published by Hudson Street Press in November 2011.

For more information, please visit the Legacy Project blog, like The Legacy Project on Facebook, and follow author Karl Pillemer on Twitter.

Photo: Homecaregiverstore

Forget Her Name?

Most of the names we forget are ones we never heard in the first place. Many times when people tell us their names, we’re not really paying attention.

By: Rob Sachs

When nobody else has been around to help out, I’ve also tried getting someone to talk about her own name. I’d say something like, “I used to be made fun of all the time when I was little because people would call me names like ‘Saxophone’ or ‘Sexy Sachs’ or ‘Rob my sacks of cats.’” (Okay, nobody ever used the last one.) After sharing my story, I’d ask if she ever got teased, hoping she will give me a funny story that I can use to remember her name. Or sometimes I’d inquire, “What did your family call you when you were little?” Hopefully, it won’t be Princess.

If you’re not so good at face-to-face reconnaissance, there are less invasive methods for procuring names. In college I used to peek in backpacks, binders, notebooks, or anything that might have a name written on it. Now you can use social Web sites like Facebook or MySpace to see if you can figure out who somebody is through your circle of friends. You can also befriend someone who is really good with names and have him act as your personal Rolodex. Another “more advanced” technique is to challenge a person to a rap battle. The trick is to begin your rhyme with the words, “My name is . . .  ” Mine goes something like this:

My name is Rob,
I’m on the job
And though I eat with my hands,
I ain’t no slob.

Then tell her it’s her turn and she needs to follow the same format. Sit back and wait for her to give up the goods.

These tricks don’t always fly in a work setting (though it would be fun to rap battle with some of my coworkers). There are times when the easiest thing to do is to come clean about forgetting someone’s name. Within the first thirty seconds of talking to someone, it’s okay to say, “I’m an idiot and I’ve forgotten your name.” If you’re not feeling self-deprecating, a simple “Oh, remind me of your name again?” will do as well. Letting a conversation go longer than five minutes without saying that makes you not only an idiot but a jerk, since the person you’re talking to thinks you’ve been duping him the whole conversation.

My career at NPR has taken me from Washington, D.C., to Los Angeles and back to D.C. I knew there would be a lot of people I’d recognize but whose names I’d forget. To get some new tricks for the workplace, I called memory expert Harry Lorayne. He holds memory seminars all the time and has a full line of memory-related products. He was at first reluctant to talk to me, since people usually pay a lot of money to get the information he gives. Fortunately, I got him to open up on my specific problem of forgetting names, and he gave me a few hints.

He said that most of the names we forget are ones we never heard in the first place. Many times when people tell us their names, we’re not really paying attention. When you hear someone say his or her name, you have to flag it in your brain as a vital piece of information. Lorayne recommended repeating the name right away to try to commit it to memory.

Let’s say you’re meeting me. I’ll say, “Hi, my name is Rob Sachs.” You can first verify that you heard it being pronounced the right way. Say it back to me. “Rob Sachs, is that correct?” Second, you can make a quick association with the name, or start talking about it in the conversation. Ask if Sachs has any relation to Saks Fifth Avenue or Goldman Sachs. (There is none, by the way.) The more you talk about the name right away, the more likely you are to remember it.

Another possibility is to try to associate someone’s name with one of his physical characteristics. For instance, if you meet someone named Ben Green and you notice he has green eyes, you can repeat that in your head. Ben Green with the green eyes. Ben who has eyes that are green. Ben’s last name is Green. My trick for remembering a name like Mikhail Gorbachev would be to think of the red splotch on his head as being gory. “Gory splotch” sounds like “Gorbachev.” This might be a stretch, but it can work. The idea is to have a visual cue that correlates to the name.

Lorayne said another great thing to do is to use the name as often as you can over the course of your conversation. Try to eliminate all pronouns and just say the person’s name instead, while always being careful not to say the name too much, since that can be a little creepy. “So Rob, what do you think about the weather? How about those Phillies, Rob? Rob, what brings you here?” I’ve tried this out, and to my amazement, it works. People also appreciate hearing their own name, because it makes them feel you care about them, or are a thoughtful person.

Harry Lorayne is a pro at this. He can repeat the names of a whole roomful of people he’s just met. He told me that if you practice a lot and work on it, over time you will get better at it. These techniques have already started to help me in the office, though I still have one more trick. If I didn’t catch someone’s name or have forgotten it, I now go to the new searchable online database of NPR employees that contains everyone’s picture from their photo ID. It’s my own little office facebook, and I’ve lost more than a few hours of productivity studying it.

Copyright © 2010 Rob Sachs, author of What Would Rob Do?: An Irreverent Guide to Surviving Life’s Daily Indignities

About the Author:
Rob Sachs has spent the last ten years as a producer, reporter, and director for NPR shows, including Morning Edition, All Things Considered, and Tell Me More. He created the podcast What Would Rob Do? in 2006 and serves as its host.

Retirement Home

At some point, the time may come when your parents must be placed in a care home. Here are some tips to help you deal with your parents when this occurs.

By: Sarah Howard

Your parents once took care of you. They watched over you as you did homework. They bandaged skinned knees and checked under the bed for monsters. Dinners were prepared, curfews were set and they made the effort to help you grow into a functioning adult. It is heart breaking to watch this once strong couple wither and grow weak. At some point the time may come when your parents must be placed in a care home. Here are some tips to help you deal with your parents when this occurs.

Remember Their Feelings

It’s easy for you to see that your parents need to be in a care home. You see the rotten food that takes over the fridge, the medications that are forgotten and the housework that is starting to overwhelm them. You can see that your mother is losing too much weight and your father is still limping from a fall six months ago. What you may be forgetting is that they don’t see that.

Your parents are proud people and when they look around they see their home. They see the memories of watching you and your siblings grow up. They see the love they have for each other. They certainly don’t want to see that they can’t care for themselves, and having a decision forced on them is incredibly difficult. Even if they agree with the choice and are cooperative about the move, they probably still aren’t happy about it.

Above all else, try to be respectful of your parents during this time. Remember that they are suffering along with you as this transition period begins. Try to be compassionate and patient, while also staying firm that the move must be made.

Keep it Positive

Try to keep the focus on the move positive. Take them to the care home for visits even before they actually move in. Getting your parents in to the home for brief visits and tours ahead of time can help them feel more comfortable about the situation.

Talk to the staff to find out when open visiting hours and when fun activities will be taking place. Taking them to the home during these times can help alleviate their concerns that the place might be boring and stuffy.

Check out the amenities with them. Most care homes are more than just a place for shelter and food. They also provide entertainment. Some even feature workout rooms and pools. Find out what the amenities are before choosing a home, and then take your parents to see these cool features for themselves.

Talk frequently about the benefits. When your mother forgets her pills, you can cheerfully say that remembering won’t be a burden soon because she’ll have nurses to help her do that. When there is nothing to eat because the food has spoiled you can point out to your father how awesome it’s going to be when they have fresh meals every day. Point out that they can now enjoy the benefits of the maid service they always wanted. They won’t have to wash dishes, vacuum the floors or bother with dusting because a full-time staff will take care of those chores.

Stay Focused on the Goals

Staying positive and sympathetic won’t be easy. You may get frustrated at times followed by periods of depression. Keep reminding yourself of the many benefits of moving your parents into a care home. You made this decision for solid and valid reasons. Remind yourself of those reasons and goals so that you can stay strong, positive and understanding as you help your parents through this difficult time.

About the Author:
Sarah writes for Homes With Care, who provide a unique and dedicated service that helps inform interested parties on the availability of assisted living facilities, retirement homes for sale and rent offering integrated close care, close care, extra care and independent living.

Photo: Jonathan Rothwell

Fresh Fruit and Veggies

The system works!  It side-steps the problem of kids filling up on the pasta before they get to the peas because it rewards them for eating their veggies first.

Scientists have finally confirmed what parents have long known: REWARDS WORK.

Yup. Find the right reward and you can get your kids to do pretty much anything.

Even gobble up the greens before they pound down the pasta.

You don’t even have to resort to ice cream, cake or the other tried-and-true yummy rewards. Kids will eat their veggies in order to earn . . . stars? Yes, stars!

Want to hear something even more remarkable? Researchers have figured out that kids will voluntarily select healthy drinks to earn stars. Plain milk instead of chocolate milk? Those must be some pretty powerful stars!

The study I’m referring to is a school-based initiative called the Kid’s Choice Program, but there’s no reason you can’t use it at home.

Here’s what you do:

1) Tell your kids they will earn a star every time they . . .

• Eat their vegetables before the rest of the meal.
• Choose to drink a low-fat, low-sugar drink such as plain milk or water. (The researchers also included 100% fruit juice on their healthy drinks list)

2) When your kids earn 10 stars let them “buy” a little toy or some other small reward.

Here’s the only caveat: You have to make sure you serve an extremely small serving of vegetables — no bigger than a golf ball.

You’ve probably heard that it’s not a good idea to bribe kids into eating their peas, so I wouldn’t blame you if you were skeptical.

But this system works because:

• The goals are well-defined, small and easily achievable. (If your kids are young you might consider reducing the number of stars they have to earn from 10 to 5.)
• There is almost no pressure because the choice of when and how many stars to earn is left entirely to the children. (Some days they might decide to earn 2 stars, other days they might decide to earn none.)
• It side-steps the problem of kids filling up on the pasta before they get to the peas because it rewards them for eating their veggies first. In other words, the system works because it’s easier to get kids to eat veggies when they are still hungry than when they’re already full.

Most importantly, the star system works because it rewards behavior.

So often we think that kids need nutrition education but research has shown that increasing knowledge doesn’t necessarily impact behavior. This system will teach your kids how to behave in relation to food and that is what they need to know for a lifetime of healthy eating. Now that’s what I call star power!

– Changing the conversation from nutrition to habits.

© 2011 Dina R. Rose author of the blog It’s Not About Nutrition

About the Author:
Dina R. Rose is the author of the popular blog It's Not About Nutrition.  She has a PhD in sociology from Duke University and more than fifteen years’ experience in teaching and research. After her mother’s premature death from obesity-related illnesses at the age of 65, Dina knew she wanted to give her daughter a better — and happier –  food-life. Dina made helping parents solve their kids’ eating problems her life work. Most parents know what their children should eat, but have trouble putting this knowledge into practice. Dina offers parents the relief they need: practical, research-based strategies so they can stop struggling and start succeeding.

For more information please visit It’sNotAboutNutrion and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter

Photo: Bruce Tuten

Avalanche Control

My job as a ski patroller and Emergency Medical Technician has taught me how to deal with crisis. For the most part, however, these are other people’s crises.

By: Kim Kircher

Apparently, I’m an expert in calamity. I used to be the kind of person that avoided conflict, wanting to bury my head under the pillow when things got rough. Life can be like that sometimes, offering circumstances to learn the lessons we most need. My job as a ski patroller and Emergency Medical Technician has certainly taught me how to deal with crisis. For the most part, however, these are other people’s crises, and I’m there to help them get through it. When my husband needed a liver transplant, I learned how to use what I’d learned on the slopes and apply it to my own ordeal. For the first time, I had to get through my own crisis. Here’s how you can do it too:

1. Breathe. When faced with stress, our natural reaction is to inhale. We gulp down a sharp breath and often hold it, willing the problem to go away. During a stressful situation, focus, instead, on exhaling. Expel all the air from your lungs for three large breaths. Then return to normal breathing. This response calms you down and helps you focus. It also fuels your brain with oxygen, which is important in any crisis.
2. Remember your training. In emergency medicine, practitioners use memory aids to help them function in serious situations. When faced with an unconscious patient, an EMT can rely on the ABC’s (airway, breathing, and circulation) to remind her the order of care if the tension becomes overwhelming. Use this same technique to handle any crisis. Stick with your routines. Order the tasks necessary to get through the situation and tick them off, one by one. Not only will you work towards a solution, you will also feel an important sense of accomplishment.
3. Look to your past accomplishments. Life constantly offers us lessons for growth. Remind yourself of the difficult hurdles you’ve previously overcome. Use these trials for strength; assuring yourself that you’ve been through hard times before, you can get through this. Adversity is unavoidable. Instead of running away from it, face it head on. Not only can hardship offer valuable lessons, it can also prepare you for even bigger challenges to come.
4. Focus only on small increments of time. Do not try to solve the entire crisis at once. In fact, try to avoid thinking of the big picture or the “what ifs” that might happen down the road. I broke time down into 15-minute intervals, telling myself I could get through the next 15 minutes, then the next. When the fear and stress threaten to swallow you, just get through the next 15 seconds.

Learning to handle a crisis comes with practice. Unfortunately, life consistently gives us new occasions to improve. Whether dealing with a partner’s illness, your own disease management, relationship issues, financial concerns or the myriad of other opportunities life presents, you, too, can learn to slow down and take it just fifteen minutes at a time.

About the Author:
Kim Kircher, author and professional ski patroller, grew up on the ski slopes near Seattle. She has logged over 600 hours of explosives control, earning not only her avalanche blaster’s card, but also a heli-blaster endorsement, allowing her to fly over the slopes in a helicopter and drop bombs from the open cockpit, while uttering the fabulously thrilling words “bombs away” into the mic. She divides her time between working on the slopes and writing on her computer. Visit Kim’s blog.

College

Our children leaving for college caused change. It was the normal course of things and it was okay to feel confused, upset, and unsettled. We were a normal family.

By: Barbara Goldberg

Your stepkid is going to college. That was one way to get them out of the house.  The best part was that they were leaving with no guilt attached. After all, this was the natural progression of life. Think of all the times we quietly dreaded that weekend transition when the stepkids moved in. The house was relatively quiet and then the tornado of offspring arrived.  Your head was spinning as you adjusted to the clammer, noise and demands. Your spouse became a wimp who was so overjoyed with the arrival of the kids that he never saw the mess. He never heard any disparaging remarks that came from their mouths. He only felt his own joy.

When college came, they left one by one. The house became deathly quiet. Our youngest bio child complained that it was too quiet and he got too much of our attention. The transition to college life brought new challenges and opportunities to our divorced family. Surely, life would be changed.

“This will be great. We won’t have to communicate with the ex any more because the kids are grown.” Wrong.

Now, it was time to schedule parents’ weekends at each college, along with any other visitations. Prior to leaving, college payment negotiations had to happen and those discussions were never easy. Once the first child went to college, the pain lessened each time because there was a process in place. I watched the kids say very little but it had to be a frightening time.  They were excited to be going to school, but I knew they feared the arguments between their parents. I felt bad for them. Helpless.

“Great!  Now that we know how college is being paid, we’re good!  Now, we don’t have to talk with the ex.”  Wrong.

Guess what? Things continued to come up. Kids were asking for expenses that you could not anticipate. Spring break. Joining a sorority. A car. A new cell phone.  Each request dictated another conversation between the bio-parents. College life looked a lot like when the kids were young. The only difference was that the requests were more expensive, which caused more emotion. Where do the kids stay when they come home for weekends or college breaks? Now, the kids had to make these decisions and created a college break calendars. You harbored fears that they would never come back.

“Hey!  Child support has ended or lessened.  We will be in better financial shape.” Wrong.

See paragraph above.

The bottom line was that college was another transition that created another cataclysmic event in our lives. College was change, which triggered a trip to insecurity land.  Change shook egos to the core. It challenged your place in the world and released doubts and fears.  Bio-parents secured their positions and wallowed in thoughts like:

“Will my child call me?  Visit me?”

“Will my child call or visit me more than the other bio-parent?”

“Do they love me more than the other bio-parent?

“Will they stay with me on breaks?”

The kids were thinking:

“I just want to get away from all of this.”

“I love my parents, but this is a pain.”

And so it goes. Once the fear took over, irrational decisions often followed.  We were back to the beginning. Disappointment loomed. When was this going to end?

I realized the ultimate answer. We were a normal family. Change was the normal course of things and it was okay to feel confused, upset, and unsettled. We were acting like humans. Our children leaving for college triggered that part of our brains called the lizard or reptilian brain. This brain center houses the lack and attack portion of our brain. Lizard brains were especially useful in caveman times when a lion was about to attack. It is still useful today. Have you ever gotten that creepy feeling when something doesn’t feel right?

Our lizard brains get triggered by events that look unfamiliar and, therefore, unsafe. Our children leaving for college signaled a feeling of lack. “Will the kids still love me?”  The normal reaction is to attack. The better reaction is to realize that the lizard has been activated. Talk to your lizard brain and tell it to calm down. Dr. Martha Beck advises that you actually name your lizard brain so you can talk directly to it. This method of giving your lizard brain a name actually gives you some distance and you become a watcher rather than a participant in the drama.

Our stepfamily status exaggerated what we were all truly feeling and sent our lizard brains into orbit. All of us hated to see our children go. Mom, Dad and Stepmom missed the turmoil and we missed the laughter. Both households hated the new calmer routine where rooms were clean and dishes were washed. We were lonely and wanted the old days back. On this point, we all agreed.

About the Author:
Barbara Goldberg is a life coach who dedicates her practice to step families.  ”The Evil Stepmother Speaks” is the home for practical advice for step families who want to Love and Laugh.  She has been a stepmother to 3 children who are now grown and one biological child.  You can find classes and coach at her website.  Tweet her at @StepMomSpeaks.

Barbara Goldberg

Divorce

Divorce is a clustercuss of noxious, terrible feelings — anger, guilt, shame, grief, hatred, desperation, indignation, sadness — all wrapped up into one.

Here are 15 Irrational Thoughts To Expect — And Ignore

By Stacy Morrison

Truth is, divorce is a clustercuss of noxious, terrible feelings — anger, guilt, shame, grief, hatred, desperation, indignation, sadness — all wrapped up into one. But what’s worse is that we tend to dwell in one category of noxious (the anger and hate) and ignore the second (shame and grief), creating a potent emotional storm front that’s likely to pull us out of our common senses and turn us into a raving lunatic. Well, at least it sure feels like that some days.

In an effort to be helpful to those of you in the hardest part of the tornado, here’s a cheat sheet of borderline lunatic thoughts you’ll probably have — and then have to put away before you do yourself more harm than good. It’s like your mom always said: “Do you want your face to freeze in that ugly expression?” The soul works the same way.

1. Well, now I have proof: I am defective and unlovable.
(I don’t need to explain to you why you aren’t allowed to think this, but I will anyway: Because it’s not true. I repeat, it’s not true.)

2. I’ll never marry again. I don’t need the heartache.

3. If I do get married again, I want a written guarantee next time.
(Problem is, that marriage contract is, in theory, your “guarantee.” And, as you’re now painfully aware, that guarantee isn’t binding. Marriage, love, even the second date — it’s all just a big leap of faith. Every time.)

4. I want _______ to die.

5. I want to die.

6. I don’t want _______ to die. I just want _______ to fall in love and get married and then get unceremoniously dumped the way I’ve just been dumped.

7. You know what? I always knew deep down that this wouldn’t last.
(Don’t rewrite history. You two were in love — just because it’s over now, doesn’t mean it never happened.)

8. I don’t want _______ to die — I just want ______ to be so horribly disfigured in a freak accident that no one can ever love him/her again.
(This is the most satisfying of the revenge fantasies, but now that you’ve had it and chuckled to yourself, it’s time to move on.)

9. I swear, if there were a way to erase all memories of ______ like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I would do it in a heartbeat.
(See #7 above. Plus, if you give back all those years, you just end up being a 24-year-old, or whatever, in a middle-aged body. How awful a thought is that? Hopefully awful enough you’ll realize you need to hold on to all your life experiences and wisdom, even when they hurt.)

10. My life would have been better if we’d never met.
(Don’t give away the good with the bad; you have to keep it all.)

11. Now I’ll never have children.

12. Now I’ll never have more children.

13. I can’t believe I had children with this pathetic individual.

14. Frankly, I’d been thinking of ending things myself for a while now. I just didn’t have the energy to say so.

15. I do want him/her to die. And then I can be the grieving widow/er and not the rejected spouse.
(This is a classic example of bad emotional math: imagining a scenario where you can’t be “blamed” or besmirched has its obvious appeal, but trust us, being divorced and/or left doesn’t necessarily indicate anything about the person you are — so you know what? Don’t let it.)

© 2011 Stacy Morrison, author of Falling Apart In One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce

About the Author:
Stacy Morrison, author of Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce, is the former editor in chief of Redbook magazine. She was formerly executive editor at Marie Claire and editor in chief of Modern Bride,and has appeared as an expert on women, love, sex, money, and more on Today, CNN Moneyline, and The Early Show, among many other television programs. Stacy lives in Brooklyn with her son, Zack.

Photo: Legal Assistant

Vacation Shopping

Avoid wearing expensive jewelry and carrying designer hand bags They attract unwanted attention when you are trying to enjoy a safe vacation with the family.

A family vacation provides you the opportunity to visit new places, spend time with loved ones and relieve stress. Many people count the days until they can take a break from the daily grind and travel to a new city. No matter where you plan to travel, it`s important to take proper safety precautions to ensure that your vacation does not quickly turn into a nightmare.

One of the first steps in planning a vacation is to find a trustworthy travel agent. Travel agents can help you plan vacations in safe cities, providing you with an itinerary and suitable accommodations. Travel agents can also tell you which hotels are located in safe areas so that you can feel comfortable going to sleep at night.

Make sure you use all locks and deadbolts in your hotel room. Never leave expensive items visible in the hotel. Instead, use safety deposit boxes and safes that the hotel provides guests. If possible, avoid brining valuables with you on vacation. Leave the expensive camera at home and take a more inexpensive model. The cheaper camera will discourage thieves from stealing it.

Once you settle into your hotel, ask hotel clerks about the areas of the city you should avoid. Hotel staff will usually inform you about unsafe neighborhoods and other places that you may not wish to visit. As you travel about the city in a rental car, be aware of your surroundings and make sure your vehicle doors remain locked at all times. Travel on well-lit streets that experience a normal amount of traffic. Consult any city maps before you leave the hotel so you do not look like a tourist. People who look like tourists are easy pickings for criminals. It`s also important to remember that you should never leave valuables visible within your vehicle. Instead store them in the trunk or the glove compartment.

Families traveling with children should keep them in sight at all times. Whether you are eating in a restaurant, strolling through a museum or just hanging out at the hotel, make sure your children are properly supervised. Children should never go to the hotel swimming pool alone or visit restaurant restrooms without an adult member of the family accompanying them. Children should also know their name and address. Teach them what to do in case they get separated from the rest of the family. They should also be reminded that they should never speak with strangers or accept rides from people they do not know.

Shopping and dining out are popular activities when going on vacation. People who love to shop and eat may enjoy activities that the Eurocamp Pachacaid Holiday Park offers. If you go shopping or eat out, avoid flashing large amounts of cash when paying for purchases. Revealing the amount of money you possess in your wallet will only draw pickpockets and other types of thieves. Consider paying with credit cards or travelers` checks. Another option is to use your ATM card and only withdraw the amount of money you need at a particular time. Smart travelers also avoid wearing expensive jewelry and carrying designer hand bags when on vacation. These items attract unwanted attention when you are trying to enjoy a safe vacation with the family.

Photo: Steven J. Collins