Classics

Odds are, you know more than you think.The classics have left their mark on our language, architecture, history, and even our popular literature.

By: Caroline Taggart

Do you know Latin? How about Greek? Odds are you know more than you think. The influence of these “classical” civilizations is incredibly widespread. The classics have left their mark on our language, architecture, history, and even our popular literature.

We still talk about a “Midas touch,” because of the mythical character who asked the god Dionysus to make everything he touched turn to gold. These days we tend to think of the Midas touch — a seemingly effortless ability to make tons of money — as a good thing. However, the original Midas had to crawl back to Dionysus and beg for mercy when he realized that the “everything” that was turning to gold included his food, drink and, in some versions of the story, his daughter.

In the political world, the Athenians invented democracy over 2,500 years ago, when Cleisthenes introduced the idea of giving citizens — well, male citizens, in those days — the vote, regardless of wealth or class. From this time on, any man over the age of 30 was entitled to register with his local deme — a smaller version of the modern American counties, and derived from the word demos meaning “the people” — and have a say in every major public decision.

If you turn to popular literature, you’ll find some good examples in the Harry Potter series. Most of Harry’s spells are based on Latin words, and the evil Draco Malfoy is named after an extremely harsh Athenian lawmaker.

On top of all that, the ancient Greeks invented the Olympic Games and are to blame for almost every problem you have ever come up against in math class. The Romans came up with a calendar that stayed in use until 250 years ago and gave us the names of all our months; they also pioneered the concept of putting glass in windows and built some of the best and straightest roads in the whole world — they were built by soldiers who went everywhere on foot, so it was in their best interest to make the route from anywhere to anywhere as short as possible.

So it seems we owe those Greeks and Romans a whole lot. Try this short quiz to see how much has been passed on to you: You may know more about the classics than you think.

1) The classics were alive and well in the nineteenth century. In fact, the first name of one U.S. president (in office in the second half of the century) is distinctly classical in origin. Who was he, and who was he named after?

2) Before Andrew Johnson, President Abraham Lincoln had a vice president who also possessed a classical name: Who was he, and who was he named after?

3) Latin expressions often appear in sentences with a financial context. What does a pro rata salary mean?

4) Latin also arrives on the scene in crime fiction. What is a modus operandi? And what, strictly speaking, is an alibi?

5) The three classic orders of architecture range from the Doric (the oldest and simplest) to the Corinthian (the most recent and ornate). What’s the name of the one in between?

Answers

1) Ulysses S. Grant (president 1869-77); Ulysses is the Roman name for Odysseus, the Greek hero, who gave his name to Homer’s epic poem The Odyssey. Odysseus fought in the Trojan War; he had a reputation for being wily and some say that the Trojan horse was his idea. Once the war was over he took 10 years to get home. What happened to him on the way is the subject of The Odyssey, and the reason we now use that word to mean any long, adventurous journey.

2) Hannibal Hamlin (vice president 1861-65); Hannibal was a Carthaginian general who fought against Rome in the third and second centuries B.C. For a long time, Carthage, a city in North Africa, was Rome’s only real rival in trade and influence in the Mediterranean. The two powers fought many wars over the years; the one involving Hannibal is famous, because he used elephants in battle. The Roman historian Livy tells us that they “terrified the horses not only by their appearance but by their unaccustomed smell and caused widespread panic.” Sadly the elephants weren’t used to the cold weather and, after marching through sunny Spain, many of them died crossing the Alps on the way to Italy.

3) Pro rata literally means “in proportion.” So if you work a three-day week you are paid three-fifths of the complete salary, for example, $50,000 pro rata.

4) A modus operandi is “a way of working,” such as when a criminal is known to always work alone or carry a knife rather than a gun. An alibi is evidence that you were somewhere else at the time of the crime. It is often used to mean an excuse, but that isn’t really correct.

5) The Ionic. Doric columns are sturdy and plain, Ionic ones are slimmer and have four spiral scrolls at the top, and Corinthian columns are decorated with the leaves of the plant known as bear’s breeches, Acanthus mollis. Many antebellum plantation houses have Ionic columns. The Capitol in Washington, D.C. features the Corinthian style. The original Parthenon in Athens, Greece, is the best place to see Doric columns, but the replica in Nashville, Tennessee, is the next best thing.

© 2010 Caroline Taggart, author of The Classics: All You Need to Know, from Zeus’s Throne to the Fall of Rome

About the Author:
Caroline Taggart, author of The Classics: All You Need to Know, from Zeus’s Throne to the Fall of Rome, has been an editor of non-fiction books for nearly 30 years and has covered nearly every subject from natural history and business to gardening and astronomy. She has written several books and was the editor of Writer’s Market UK 2009.

For more information on the book and the Blackboard Books ™, please visit www.rdtradepublishing.com.

Photo: Tudhaliya

waiting patiently

The best place to exercise patience is in our relationships with others. All too often, this is where true patience is lacking.

By: Kristen Moeller

The line between waiting and patience is a fine one. Let me define what I mean by waiting. Waiting is a passive way of being — the symptoms of which are: putting our life on hold; thinking the next big thing is just over the horizon; looking outside ourselves for answers; or believing it will be better someday.

If you find yourself saying (or thinking) the following you may be waiting:

• * I’m not ready, yet.
• * I don’t have the right education.
• * I need to lose 10 pounds first.
• * I don’t have enough money.
• * I’m not inspired.
• * They should apologize first.

Patience, on the other hand, can be defined as our ability to accept delay. It is a state of being peaceful or thoughtful. It is a time of introspection and quiet. As it is said, patience is a virtue. It can be a powerful place to be — and it can be misused, misunderstood or manipulated. We may pretend we are being patient when actually we are being wimpy.

It is useful to distinguish which state we are in. Here are some general guidelines to know if you are waiting:

1. You have a sense of unease — you know there is something you need to be doing and you are not doing it. And sometimes, you have waited so long in a particular area; you even struggle to identify what the source of unease is.

2. You are dissatisfied — you are not living in the moment. You are sure your life will be better when it is different in some way than it is right now (e.g.: you find your perfect mate, complete that project, go on your next vacation).

3. You are grumpy — you feel like life is passing you by. You get in bed at the end of the day and realize you don’t have any clear memories of anything you did because in all your busyness you weren’t even present. You don’t even remember if you took a deep breath.

Waiting can hide out in the nooks and crannies of our life. To assist my clients in determining how and where they are waiting, I ask them to list the top 10 reasons they won’t accomplish something they say is important to them. This gives them the freedom to be unabashedly truthful — to put on paper the lingering doubts that are hovering quietly in the background or screaming loudly in their face. We humans are sneaky. We have all sorts of ways we sabotage our dreams. Only by telling ourselves the blatantly honest and sometimes brutal truth can we tell if we are waiting or being patient.

To illustrate, I did the same exercise when I was writing my book. I looked at the top 10 reasons I wouldn’t complete the project. Here is a sampling:

• * I will continuously distract myself with busy work — cleaning out the junk drawers never seemed as appealing as when I am trying to write.
• * I will repeatedly doubt and question my ability as a writer and compare myself to other “successful” writers.
• * I will continue to look outside myself for inspiration.
• * I will take on other projects and commitments and not schedule any time to write.

You tell me. Do you hear patience in any of these “reasons”? No! These are excuses I could use for not taking action on something that was tremendously important to me.

Now, I encourage you to look for yourself. Pick an area of your life that you have been working on for a while. Make your top 10 list. Be willing to shed light on those hidden ways you wait. Be bold and tell yourself the truth. See where patience is needed or where you are making excuses.

As a final note, the best place to exercise patience is in our relationships with others. All too often, this is where true patience is lacking. And yes, it is important to be patient with ourselves, but once again, we can be on a slippery slope. I can lull myself into believing I am being patient when in fact, it’s important to take bold action. Or I may actually be lacking acceptance for the way things are and what is needed is a touch of patience.

Being an eternally creative and mischievous human, I have to ask myself constantly, am I being patient with my process or am I simply letting myself off the hook?

© 2010 Kristen Moeller, author of Waiting for Jack: Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie: How to Stop Waiting and Start Living Your Life

About the Author:
Kristen Moeller, MS is the bestselling author of Waiting for Jack: Confessions of a Self-Help Junkie: How to Stop Waiting and Start Living Your Life. As a coach, speaker, and radio show host, Kristen delights in “disrupting the ordinary” and inspiring others to do the same. She first discovered her passion for personal development in 1989 after recovering from an eating disorder and addiction

Kristen is also the founder of the Chick-a-go Foundation — a not-for-profit that provides “pay it forward” scholarships for life altering training programs reaching people who otherwise cannot afford such opportunities.

When she is not actively making a difference in the world, she thrives in the beauty of Colorado and enjoys hiking, snowshoeing, riding her horse or just spending time reading or relaxing in her magical, solar-powered house on the side of a mountain with two large dogs, an ornery cat and her best friend and husband of 15 years.

For more information please visit www.waitingforjack.com and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Photo:  Chewy Chua

Love or Infatuation?

Your intuition can signal you as to the beginning a fantastic love relationship or it can warn you of potential heartbreak.

By: Sherrie Dillard

Our intuition is constantly bombarding us with unspoken intuitive messages about others, especially those with who we share a romantic interest. But how do you know what the intuitive feelings, sensations and mysterious messages really mean?

You may for instance, feel drawn, almost magnetized to another and are not sure why? Has a certain someone ever walked into the room and your stomach churns and your palms sweat? Or you wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of a dream about your partner? Even though you have not yet spoken to one another, every time the new hire passes your desk your heart races and your body trembles, why? Have you ever felt that your boyfriend was being dishonest but disregarded the feeling because you had no proof or evidence to back it up?

Everyone has innate intuitive ability and even when you ignore or suppress it, your intuition is always at work. Although it may seem hard to understand, spontaneous and even confusing, with a little focus and practice your intuition can become a powerful relationship ally.

To receive the most benefit from your innate intuitive sensing, pay attention to how those sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle intuitive messages emerge. You may for instance, receive intuitive impressions in your body as a “gut feeling” or tingles of shivers up your spine. I had a friend who pays attention when she gets what she call goose bumps up and down her arms. This is to her a sign that her intuition is trying to tell her something. Some people get immediate mental thoughts and impressions about others. While some may be empathetic and feel what a loved one feels even when they are miles away. Your intuition might surface in your dreams and even in your daydreams.

Once you are more familiar with the way that your intuition most often emerges, you can begin to decipher the meaning and message behind those feelings, thoughts, sensations and impressions. This is not always easy, especially at the beginning of a relationship when you are hopeful, excited and stimulated by the prospects of a new love. The rush of energy, the tingling and the inner sense of connection that you might be feeling does not always mean that you will have a positive fulfilling relationship with him or her. Your intuition may be sending you a message that you have just met a true partner it might also be signaling you to run the other way.

The following questions will help you to discern the unspoken intuitive messages that often accompany the beginning of a relationship.

1. When it comes to a romantic or potential romantic partner which statement is most true?

a. I feel relaxed, safe and can be vulnerable and completely honest when I am with him or her.
b. I have a nagging sense that something is not right and not adding up
c. We have a highly charged emotional connection

2. When I am in my partner or potential partner’s presence or even when I think of him or her my body:

a. relaxes and I feel a sense of calm
b. tightens and I feel tense
c. I become intensely sexually stimulated

3. I want my intuition to help me to:

a. increase my ability to feel and express love
b. figure out what my partner is thinking or feeling
c. alert me as to when my partner is lying or deceiving me

4. I have had sudden moments that seem to come out of nowhere where:

a. I feel my heart expanding with love and compassion
b. feel as if I need to have sex with my partner to assure that we are close
c. have an impending sense of doom

5. When it comes to my romantic relationship my inner voice is telling me to:

a. trust and let go of outcomes
b. take care of myself
c. heal my past emotional wounds

Love

If you answered most questions a, Your intuition is signaling you to the start of a healthy and loving relationship. Keep listening to the inner promptings that are encouraging you to grow and evolve. Love is an active participatory journey. The more self aware, honest and forgiving you are with yourself the more able you will be to give and share with another. Love does not happen to us. Instead as you engage in the process of listening within and honest communication with your partner the stronger the love bond will become.

Infatuation

If you answered most of the questions b, your relationship may be more infatuation than love. The relationship may be exciting, energizing and fun but it may not have the true love potential that you are looking for. If you find that you feel increasing off balance, tense or sense that something feels “off” or “not right” about the relationship, trust your feelings even if you do not have tangible evidence to support your intuition. Increase communication with your partner, ask the tough questions and be honest about whether or not the relationship is able to support your core needs and desires. Listen to your inner voice and trust its guidance, even if does not tell you what you want to hear.

Heartbreak

If you answered most of the question c, your relationship may cause you more pain than joy.

When you find that your intuitive attention is focused more on your partner than yourself you may be heading into a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependence is an insidious emotional cycle where your happiness and sense of well being is dependent on the moods and feelings of your partner. In a long term co-dependent relationship you run the risk of losing your sense of inner power, self worth and self esteem. If you are in this kind of relationship, take time to tune into your intuition. Listen to the wise and loving voice within as it will guide you toward taking the necessary steps to heal and move forward either in or out of the relationship.

Your intuition is always at work. It is an innate and invaluable sense that when listened to can help you maneuver the often tricky waters of dating. Your intuition can signal you as to the beginning a fantastic relationship or it can warn you of potential heartbreak. To make the most of intuitive guidance, spend time in silence, breathing, relaxing and allowing the inner voice to emerge. Trust and act on what you receive. Know that when you do you will be lead to a supportive and loving relationship.

© 2010 Sherrie Dillard, author of Love and Intuition: A Psychic’s Guide to Creating Lasting Love

About the Author:
Author of the bestselling Discover Your Psychic Type, Sherrie Dillard has been a New Thought pastoral counselor, professional psychic, medium, and teacher for over twenty years. She has taught classes and workshops, both nationally and internationally, on the life-enhancing aspects of intuition development. Her writing has also appeared in New Age Journal and on Wellness.com and HitchedMag.com.

For more information please visit www.SherrieDillard.com and follow the author on Facebook.

Photo: ῟R -

Women's Intuition

Your intuition is like a muscle that must be exercised. Be creative and explore the many ways throughout the day that your intuition can guide you.

By: Sherrie Dillard

For generations the term “women’s intuition” has been used to describe the unexplainable, non-logical, sometimes quirky wisdom that women often possess. No one quite knows how or why intuition works. But it does.

Intuition has been defined as simply knowing something without any reasonable and logical way of knowing it. Associated with the right side of the brain, intuition resides in the elusive realm of emotions, creativity and imagination, the domain of the feminine.

Everyday in ways that normally go unnoticed, our intuition is at work. We intuit the unspoken feelings and emotions of our partner, co-workers, children and even the check out girl at the grocery store. We know when a loved one in the other part of the house or even miles away is struggling or having difficulties and we can sense the honesty or dishonesty of our children’s excuses and the car mechanic’s estimate with surprising ease.

Although we don’t always know how we know these things, when we listen to our inner voice and follow through with our gut feelings we are almost always right.

There are many ways that you can employ your intuition to make your life easier and frankly more fun.

Try these:

Intuitive Listening

Your intuition is telling you that there is something that your partner, who is slumped in his chair, needs to talk about. When you ask him he tells you there is nothing wrong. Although this is frustrating it may be that he is unable to put into words what he is feeling. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He may not be intentionally withholding information.

Instead of pushing him to talk, take a seat near him and sit quietly. Take a long deep breath and relax. Come into an open hearted receptive state and listen within. When you feel moved to talk, express from the heart what you are receiving. Do not lecture, push or tell him how he feels, instead use “I” statements and talk about what you are experiencing.

This simple practice will help your partner to relax, open up and communicate.

Open hearted intuitive listening is also affective with your children, other family members, friends and even co-workers. It creates a calm intuitive environment of safety and love.

Intuitive Eating

It’s been a long day. You finally have a few minutes to relax. Before making your way to the couch or bed, you scan the refrigerator and cabinets for a special treat. A little chocolate, a piece of left over fried chicken, and some popcorn never hurt anyone, right?

Before you grab the bag of tortilla chips, sit down, take a deep breath and listen within. Imagine that your body can intuitively communicate with you.

Ask within if you are hungry? If the answer is no, ask your body to reveal to you what is prompting the desire to eat.

There is a message behind the hunger, listen to it. You might find that emotions like loneliness, frustration or stress surface. You may be bored or want to fill an inner feeling of emptiness.

Instead of eating to dull the feelings, spend some time in inner listening.

Eating is a way to nurture ourselves, but there are other more affective ways. What is the best way to nurture and take care of you?

Listen to your intuition and commit to those actions that will empower you with self care. Often times just listening within and acknowledging how you feel will help you to release the feelings and dissipate the gnawing hunger. Acknowledge all that you accomplished during the day and have loving compassion for you.

Intuitive Career Decisions

Something feels off at work. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you feel restless and find yourself scanning job boards for other employment possibilities. You talk to your manager and he tries to assure you that your job is secure. As much as you would like to believe this, that little inner voice keeps telling you to start looking.

At this point you have a choice. You can convince yourself that this is just your insecurity and caution speaking or you can without any outside evidence, listen and act on your intuitive impressions.

In these kinds of situations, I often advise people to pay attention to outer synchronicities that may reinforce your intuition. Synchronicity is the random occurrence of unlikely coincidence and a form of intuition. In this situation, you might for instance receive a call from a friend who randomly lets you know that the company she works for is hiring. While exercising at the gym you overhear a couple of people discussing a new division about to open in an exciting and innovative company. You have dreams of being in interesting places involved in new activity and wake feeling more sure and ready to pursue other career options. I have a friend who woke up at 2:00 in the morning, spontaneously went to her computer and looked at the job postings of a company that she had always wanted to work for. There was a job listed that was perfect for her. Two weeks later she was hired.

Your intuition is like a muscle that must be exercised. Be creative and explore the many ways throughout the day that your intuition can guide you. As you do this you will become more adept at recognizing and confidently following through with intuitive messages. You will more often than not be glad that you did.

© 2010 Sherrie Dillard, author of Love and Intuition: A Psychic’s Guide to Creating Lasting Love

About the Author:
Author of the bestselling Discover Your Psychic Type, Sherrie Dillard has been a New Thought pastoral counselor, professional psychic, medium, and teacher for over twenty years. She has taught classes and workshops, both nationally and internationally, on the life-enhancing aspects of intuition development. Her writing has also appeared in New Age Journal and on Wellness.com and HitchedMag.com.

For more information please visit www.SherrieDillard.com and follow the author on Facebook.

Photo: y Cuba Gallery

Troubled Marriage

Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation.

By: Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. & Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.

Troubled marriages make people sick. It may be your mental health that suffers, or it may be your physical health, or both, but, one way or another, troubled marriages make you sick. Research consistently proves that men and women in troubled marriages, and their children, suffer physical and mental ailments at a far higher rate than either the general population or people in happy marriages. Your family’s health suffers whether you and your mate argue openly, or you sweep your differences under the rug.

Every couple argues sometimes. What’s injurious to people’s health is when the arguments are frequent, and, most important, remain unresolved. Some men and women in troubled marriages convince themselves that they are doing the right thing by not causing open confrontation. What they don’t realize is that years of stifling your real feelings and your own point of view take a toll. You and your whole family pay a price for your accepting disrespect from your spouse, and behaving with excessive self denial. That price is likely to be your physical and/or mental health.

Here’s what research has proven about the connection between marital discord and family health:

* After a couple argues wounds such as cuts take 40% longer to heal than normal.

* Women who have critical husbands suffer increased frequency and severity of lower back pain, headaches and arthritis.

* After a heart attack the likelihood of having a second one is twice as great among people in troubled marriages.

* Men in unhappy marriages have weaker immune systems than men in happy marriages.

* People in troubled marriages have a higher frequency of periodontal disease, high blood pressure, obesity, stomach ulcers, premature signs of aging, and type-2 diabetes.

* Children and adults from families with troubled marriages suffer much greater frequency of colds, stomach aches, asthma, rashes, headaches, and diarrhea.

* Children from families with troubled marriages exhibit more frequent behavior problems, poorer school performance, use more drugs and alcohol, and engage in sexual behavior at earlier ages than their peers from happy families.

* People in unhappy marriages have more sleep problems, more depression, more anxiety, and more irritability.

* People living in unhappy marriages have more frequent accidents, including automobile accidents.

In How To Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10 Step Reality Test for Your Marriage, we provide a “Marriage Test” and a “Marriage Bill of Rights” as tools to help couples open a dialogue and diagnose what the areas of their disagreement are and how they can take actions to resolve them. So it’s very important for you and all the members of your family that you do a reality check on your marriage, figure out what needs to be resolved if there are problems, and take those steps. Your health depends on it.

About the Authors:

Dr. Lawrence Birnbach is a psychoanalyst who has specialized in working with individuals and couples in troubled relationships for the past 25 years. Dr. Beverly Hyman is an internationally known business and organizational consultant specializing in conflict management. Together, they have written How to Know if It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test For Your Marriage. For more information, please visit: www.howtoknowifitstimetogo.com

Photo: joegreer2007

Happy marriage

One factor is consistent in all studies of marriages and long-term relationships: A main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity.

By: Laura Dave

One of my favorite quotes about love and marriage comes from Oscar Wilde: A Man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. While that saying makes me laugh, Wilde is also getting to something important: Marriage is tricky. And in today’s society where the martial woes of everyone from the Sanfords to John and Kate Gosselin are headline news, we are presented with every reason in the world to give up on our relationships — and fewer and fewer reasons to stay. While researching my most recent novel, I sat down and spoke to women, men, and married couples about why they do stay. And, sometimes, why they wished they had. This is the best advice I’ve found.

1. Love Is a Decision

Watching Governor Sanford stand up over these past weeks and speak about how he found his soul mate in his Argentinean lover reminded me of something Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and author, wrote about Sweat Lodges. She wrote that the only way to be in a Sweat Lodge — to experience all that it brings — is to sit far from the exit. Because if you sit too close, you will find a reason to use it.

The same is true of any long-term relationship. If you decide to look for an exit, you will always be able to find it: whether it comes in the form of another lover, or another life. But the couples I spoke with who decided to commit to their marriages and relationships — to be present for them, to help them grow more sacred — told me that they were immeasurably rewarded for that decision. The more committed they grew to their marriages — the further they sat from the exit — the more joy and peace they found there.

2. There is No Weakness in Forgiveness

I’m not happy anymore; or I’m disappointed; or I have doubts. Three familiar catchphrases that free us up to not work to bring a relationship back to a positive place. In fact, we are conditioned these days to believe that the brave thing is to move on when the honeymoon is over. But that very standard makes it hard for any long-term relationship to survive inevitable disappointments.

While some would argue that it is brave to pick up and start a new life when a relationship begins to ebb, the truly brave thing — the hard and valuable thing — is to figure out how to find a new flow together. As one couple, who is happily married after 40 years together, informed me, “The most invaluable gifts come on the other side of the bad periods. If we hadn’t forgiven each other for the hard times, we never would have experienced such good ones.”

3. Someone New Won’t Be New For Long

One factor is consistent in all studies of marriages and long-term relationships: a main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity. Those that stray (statistically, women as much as men these days) sight many factors as reasons: a breakdown in passion, a breakdown in communication, a breakdown . . .

But statistics also tell us that the chance of a relationship born from infidelity being successful is less than 1 and 100. Less than 1%. More often than not, the best thing someone new has going for him or her is being . . . new. And, once they aren’t anymore, you are left in an even more precarious position.

Whoever you choose — it always comes down to one thing. How hard are you willing to fight to make the relationship work? How easily are you willing to give your relationship away?

4. Often the Person You Are Running From Is You

Surprisingly, of all the reasons couples gave me for why they chose to end their marriage or relationship, the loss of love or mutual friendship was often notably absent. It often came down to something else: the desire to start a new life. To not grow old. Or, at least, to not feel like they were.

It is difficult to stay with the person who knows you best when you don’t like what we see in the mirror. It may be easier to blame your partner than to take a hard look at yourself. But, at the end of the day, it isn’t your partner’s responsibility to change your self-image, or to fix your self-doubt. It’s yours. And, if we want to like ourselves better, running out on a person who likes us the way we are isn’t a wise starting point.

5. You Don’t Need A Reason

Like anything worth having in this life, marriage and long-term commitment are hard work. Sometimes knowing that can be enough to help us not pick at the scabs while they are healing, to not make things worse as opposed to letting them feel better. As a lovely couple in Seattle Washington reminded me, things will feel better. “Be good to each other, be patient. If you allow it, love always lives through that.”

©2009 Laura Dave, author of The Divorce Party: A Novel

About the Author:

Laura Dave is the author of the acclaimed novels The Divorce Party and London Is the Best City in America. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, Glamour, Self, Redbook, ESPN the Magazine, and The New York Observer. Dave graduated from the University of Pennsylvania. In August, Cosmopolitan magazine named her as one of the eight “Fun and Fearless Phenoms” of 2008. She lives in California.

For more information, please visit Laura Dave.

Photo: by voguemarie2010

Stepmother Consulting a Therapist

Stepmothers need to find out some basic information to make sure she and a therapist share similar philosophies and goals.

By: Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT

At least three times a week, stepmothers email me requesting a recommendation for good therapist where they live. Usually, I don’t know anyone in their area but I give them a list of questions to ask therapists before they finally select one with whom to work. Finding a good therapist requires some detective work. You need to find out some basic information to make sure you and a therapist share similar philosophies and goals. This will ensure that your experience in therapy helps rather than harms you.

Particularly with regard to stepmothers, many mental health professionals hold outdated ideas about stepfamilies, the most prevalent one being that “blending” is the ideal goal. If a stepmother complains that she feel like an outsider in her family despite numerous attempts to bond with her stepchildren, too many therapists will suggest that she keep trying to establish a relationship with them. This can be an exercise in frustration and futility as “blending” does not occur for most stepfamilies, and is not a necessary requirement for their overall happiness.

Other therapists unconsciously accept as true the cultural stereotype that stepmothers are to blame for all the family’s problems. They lack an understanding of the real challenges faced by stepmothers, and their ignorance and insensitivity may influence how they work with you. More than likely, you will waste your time and money. A bad experience in therapy may taint you from trying another therapist, and prevent you from getting the help you need and deserve.

I have been appalled by the bad experiences some stepmothers have had with therapists. In one of the monthly support groups I run, one* of the stepmothers shared that she, her husband, and 21 year old stepdaughter went to a family therapist for help. They were struggling to get along in her small one bedroom apartment. The stepdaughter was thrown out of her dorm for physically assaulting her roommate and needed to move in with them while attending college, and was sleeping on the living room couch. She was asked to not play the TV or radio after 1AM to prevent awakening her father and stepmother. She refused to, or was unable to abide by this request and repeatedly disturbed her father and stepmother in the middle of the night. When they would politely ask her to turn off the TV or radio, she would have a tantrum (that would last for hours). When the family discussed this in therapy, the therapist felt that the stepmother was being unreasonable by asking for some peace and quiet, and should be more understanding of her stepdaughter who was still affected by her parent’s divorce, more than 15 years ago. This trauma, the therapist explained, prevented her from channeling her emotions maturely.

The belief that children are victims of divorce is both common and completely accurate. It is true that many children are traumatized by divorce, but this is an explanation rather than an excuse for their misbehavior. It is unacceptable for a 21 year old to have a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get her way. Adult temper tantrums are indicative of a bigger problem, one that was being ignored by both the therapist and her father. As long as his daughter was doing well in school and abstained from alcohol and drugs, he was satisfied with her behavior. He wasn’t concerned by the fact his daughter could not keep friends, got into physical altercations with them, and was fired from all of her jobs. His passivity regarding his daughter’s problems prevented him from acknowledging his wife’s frustrations and taking them seriously.

Not only was the stepmother disturbed by her husband’s stance, she was astonished that the therapist did not support her need to get a good night’s sleep since she was the only one in the family with a job. If she lost it, all of them would be homeless. The therapist did share with the family that she was a stepchild and never had a good relationship with her own stepmother. This factor probably contributed to her over identifying with the stepdaughter to the detriment of the stepmother. At her wit’s end, the stepmother was considering divorce; the only viable option in an otherwise untenable situation. This situation did not have to escalate to this crisis level if the family therapist was more sensitive to the stepmother’s needs.

To get the most out of therapy, you can screen for a stepmother savvy therapist by asking a few key questions, such as:

* What kind of, and how much experience have you had working with stepfamilies?

* What training have you had that is specifically related to stepfamily issues?

* Are you a stepmother? If the therapist feels this question is too personal, explain that you are experiencing challenges as a stepmother, and prefer to work with someone who truly understands the dynamic.

* Have you been a stepchild? Do you have a stepmother? If so, what kind of relationship do you have with her? If the therapist shares that she has had a negative one, ask the therapist if she can separate her own experiences when working with you.

* Do you believe that it’s necessary and desirable for stepfamilies to “blend” over time? If a therapist upholds that “blending” is customary in stepfamilies and is the ideal objective, ask what he or she recommends if it doesn’t happen. If they recommend that you continue to try to achieve this goal, call someone else.

*Don’t forget to ask the basic questions: are you licensed, what is your fee, and if the therapist is covered by insurance.

Unfortunately, you are not guaranteed to find the right therapist by just asking these questions. Only a consultation will give you the information you need to determine if you feel comfortable collaborating with the therapist to help you achieve greater happiness and contentment.

There are many terrific therapists; it just takes a little work to find the right one for you.

*Some information has been altered to protect the confidentiality of this stepmother.

© 2010 Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT, author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family

About the Author:
Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT, writes from a place of both personal experience — she’s been a stepmother for nineteen years — and professional expertise. A psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience in private practice, since 2004 she has empowered thousands of women through her Web site,www.stepsforstepmothers.com.

Photo: therapyhelper

Pet Sitting

I received a message asking if I would be willing to return to my last year’s house and pet sitting duties. Once again, my immediate reaction was “oh no… not again”.

By: Natasha Morgan

Well here I am. I said I wouldn’t do it again but then things happened and I changed my mind. House and pet sitting may be just the thing for some people but for a free spirit like me, it can be constraining.

Last spring, my best friend called and asked if I would be interested in looking after a house and two cute Schnauzers for the month of July. This family contacted my friend, through another friend. You know how that goes… My immediate response was a resounding NO but once we talked about it, I began thinking that I had nothing planned for the summer and it might not be so bad to spend time with my friend and my sister who lives nearby.

It turned out to be a great move. The house was in a lovely area only a mile from the beach and the dogs were utterly adorable. I became so fond of them that when it was time to leave, I had a hard time saying “good bye”. July flew by as I entertained and was entertained by my sister, friends and friends of friends.

When I returned home, I was happy to be back in my own surroundings. I quickly got back to my routine and connected with friends and neighbors. My house and pet sitting family was also happy to be home and grateful that all had run smoothly in their absence.

Then a year later, I received a message asking if I would be willing to return to my last year’s house and pet sitting duties. Once again, my immediate reaction was “oh no… not again”. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it but truly, it is confining. I like to go when and where I want and to be tied down, even for only a month was not for me.

Of course, you guessed it. I ended up saying “sure, I’ll do it”. What changed my mind? It turns out that my sister’s daughter is getting married in July and I along with other family members were looking forward to attending the joyous event.  By sheer coincidence, the wedding is to take place only a few miles from the house that I looked after.

So it happened; I am once again house and pet sitting. The dogs are just as cute as before and I am as busy as ever. Next week, my family arrives and we’re all happy to have the use of a nice big house instead of staying at a hotel.

Next year? Oh No….. well, maybe. Let’s wait and see.

©2009 This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com.

It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles on family and relationships geared to Baby-Boomer women.

Photo:  Lisa’s visions, finding my mojo

Peter Buffett

Where does this all- important trust come from? It has to start with a loving family, that then extends outward to a caring and secure community.

By: Peter Buffet

You’re Warren Buffett’s son? But you seem so normal!

Over the course of my life, I have heard many versions of this comment, and I have always taken it as a compliment—a compliment not to me, but to my family.  Why? Because what we mean by “normal” really comes down to this: that a person can function effectively and find acceptance among other human beings. To put it another way, it means that a person has been given the best possible chance to make the most of his or her own life.  This ability, in turn, can only come from an embrace of the social and emotional values that connect us all. And those values are learned— maybe it would be more accurate to say absorbed— at home.

Those core values are the foundation for everything I have to say in this book. So let’s look a little more closely at a few of them, and consider how they are passed along.

Very near the top of the list, I would place the concept of trust. Taken in the very widest sense, trust is the belief that the world is a good place. Not a perfect place, as anyone can see, but a good place— and a place worth the trouble of trying to make better. If you want to function effectively in the world— not to mention stay in a good mood— this is a very useful thing to believe!  Trust in the world is inseparable from a trust in people—a belief that human beings, however flawed we all are, are fundamentally well- intentioned. People want to do the right thing. Clearly, there are many pitfalls and temptations that lead people to do the wrong thing. But doing the wrong thing is a perversion, a betrayal of our true nature. Our true nature is to be fair and kind.  Not everyone believes this, of course. Some people think that human beings are fundamentally bad—grasping, competitive, inclined to lie and cheat. Frankly, I feel sorry for people who see it that way. It must be difficult for them to get through the day— to maintain open friendships, to do business without constant scheming and suspicion, even to love.

The belief— the faith— that people are basically good is one of the core values that allows us to feel at home in the world.

Where does this all- important trust come from? It has to start with a loving family, that then extends outward to a caring and secure community.

I was very fortunate in my upbringing. In our famously mobile society, my family was remarkably stable. The house I grew up in— a very average, early- twentieth- century subdivision sort of house that my father had bought in 1958 for $31,500!— was two blocks from where my mother had grown up. My grandparents still lived there. The city of Omaha was filling in around us, and the neighborhood became a strange mix of rural and urban. Our street was actually a main artery going in and out of town, but our house was rather barn- like, with teardrop attic windows like those seen in The Amityville Horror. Just for the fun of it, we used to plant a few rows of corn in our small side yard.  As soon as I proved that I was able to look both ways before crossing the street, I was allowed to walk by myself to visit my grandparents. The space between my parents’ and my grandparents’ houses was like a bubble or corridor of love. I got hugs at both ends of the journey. My grandmother was an archetype of a perhaps vanishing breed: a homemaker, and proud of it. She was always cooking, running errands, or doing projects around the house. When I appeared, she made me ice- cream cones with little candy surprises embedded in every scoop. My grandfather always wanted to know what I’d learned in school that day.  On the walk back home, neighbors would wave or toot their horns.

Idyllic? Sure. And I am only too aware that not every child has the benefit of such a serene and supportive home environment. Those that don’t have a lot more ground to cover on the path of learning to trust the world.  But the point I’d like to make here is this: The things that allowed me to feel safe and trusting as a kid had nothing to do with money or material advantages.  It didn’t matter how big our house was; it mattered that there was love in it. It didn’t matter if our neighborhood was wealthy or otherwise; it mattered that neighbors talked to each other, looked out for one another. The kindnesses that allowed me to trust in people and in the basic goodness of the world could not be measured in dollars; they were paid for, rather, in hugs and ice- cream cones and help with homework.

They were kindnesses that every parent and every community should be able to shower on their children.

About the Author:

Peter Buffett is an Emmy Award-winning composer, producer and philanthropist. His tireless work with numerous non-profit organizations has made him into a well-known activist for social concerns. Previous human rights-driven music collaborations for Buffett include “Blood Into Gold” featuring Grammy-nominated recording artist Akon, which debuted at a special concert at the UN General Assembly. Buffett is the only man to have performed at Eve Ensler’s 10th Anniversary V-Day celebration, and is currently performing his “Life is What You Make It:  A Concert & Conversation w/ Peter Buffett” series around the country. Buffett has launched his own social network community, peterbuffett.com/ning, to release new material to his exclusive network of fans on a monthly basis.  His first book, Life Is What You Make It, is slated for release in April 2010 through Harmony Books. The book takes on themes of following passions over conventions, and how part of life’s journey can be found in the process of giving back. Life Is What You Make It is now available for pre-order at Random House.

Photo:  CrownPublishing