Starting a fling

Before you embark upon a fling with that hottie you just met, ask yourself the following questions to keep your sex-pectations in check.

By: Kimberly Dawn Neumann

No doubt hook-ups happen. And sometimes they can be okay, but you must have both eyes wide open prior to taking a bedside tumble. In other words, before you get jiggy with that hottie you just met, ask yourself the following questions to keep your sex-pectations in check.

1. Am I doing this for the right reasons? If your reason for a fling includes trying to wipe out the memory of an ex or perhaps trying to get a date to like you as something more well, chances are you should be keeping your clothes on. If you think that having a fling will help you forget a love gone wrong, remember that if you’re emotionally fragile, it may have the opposite effect (i.e. you’ll spend the whole time comparing this person to your ex and then later on likely crying over what once was — rebounds rarely erase “ex” sex memories). And if you think that having sex with someone will make them like you if you’re on the fence keep this in mind . . . sometimes sex is just sex. It might mean something to you but be more of an athletic outlet to someone else. In other words, the ONLY way to say “yes” to this is if you truly think you’ll be okay if you never hear from the person again. Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for emotional disaster after the physical pleasure is over.

2. Am I picking an appropriate flinger? In other words, deciding to “do it” with your best friend just because you’re both single and horny may not be the wisest choice. “Friends with benefits” can become dangerous territory . . . especially if you’ve been friends for a while. Here’s the thing, once you cross THAT line, your relationship will be different 12 hours later . . . guaranteed. So, make sure you’re prepared for the consequences of whatever happens with whomever things happen. If this is a friendship you cannot afford to lose, then you might want to think twice (especially if there is any imbibing involved). Same thing goes for work colleagues. On the flip side, picking a total stranger at a bar may not be the best option either. What do you really know about this person? It’s important to keep personal boundaries in mind. However, let’s say you meet someone you’re attracted to and you know that you two won’t be a long-term match but you can foresee some special times spent together over a season (i.e. summer romance perhaps), well . . . then as long as you go in knowing the parameters and you’re okay with the fact that this fling might prevent you from meeting Mr. or Miss Right since you’re “sort of” involved, then . . . the choice is yours.

3. Am I safe and protected? This is pretty much the MOST important fling thing. It’s fine to have spontaneous fun but not if the repercussions of that decision negatively impact your health or life forever. Be smart, use protection and never go home with anyone about whom you have ANY reservations. Listen to your instincts . . . they’re probably right.

4. Am I equipped to handle the situation if my emotions DO get involved? Here’s the thing . . . even with the best of intentions, hormones can get involved. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the love hormone, can trick you into thinking you’re suddenly crazy about someone after you’ve done the deed just because the hormone is released when you’re intimate. Don’t try to make a relationship out of a no-win situation just because he or she is amazing in bed. The other attributes must be in place too. That said if your fling turns into more and you’re both on the same page about it . . . congratulations. Sometimes life hands you little surprises. But recognize that if it’s not a two-way street well . . . that is the risk you took the minute you decided to take things to another level. If you have any reservations or think you might be crushed if your fling doesn’t turn into something else, better to say “no thank you” and look for something more lasting. Because remember, it’s your heart that you’re playing with and ultimately, the goal is happiness, not heartbreak. Fling wisely!

©2009 Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First:15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

About the Author:
Kimberly Dawn Neumann, co-author of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom, is a Broadway performer and highly credited dating/sex/relationship writer. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, Maxim, and more. She lives in New York City.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

Photo: by Eyes of the World Media Group

Divorce is difficult for kids.

The new woman was introduced to the kids within a few weeks — against professional counsel — and it made things hell.

By: Mary Jo Eustace

Internet dating, hookups, blind dates, and the odd booty call — how does this cornucopia of dating delights mesh with your role as a mom and caregiver to your kids? It all comes down to this: You can have the time of your life right now. After all, you are a consenting adult and chances are you have been through hell, but your kids don’t need to know anything about it.

For some of us, this “throwing our dates in the kids’ faces” thing might just be one of our major issues with our exes. Some of them may have taken the relationship equivalent of a packet of Tang, added water, and created an instant family. He might already have a new girlfriend, perhaps who lives with him, and maybe even with kids of her own. Or, worse, your ex may have a live-in who wants to have a New Year’s baby and you just happen to notice it’s already Memorial Day!

Things can move really quickly when people get out of a relationship. And how can we expect our children to grieve and understand the loss of their own family as they know it if Mommy or Daddy already has a brand-new partner or family in place? The message it sends to them is: “You were a really good family while it lasted but I think I hooked a real winner this time round. And don’t worry, it might seem like I just met your new mommy, but we have been together for ages — just ask your mom! And wait until you meet her kids! I mean, your new brothers and sisters! We’re like the best family ever, minus your mom and your own bedrooms, because now you have to share. Anybody want to go to Disneyland?”

Sadly, as so many of us know, that is not even an exaggeration. It happens all the time. Hey, it happened to my family. The new woman was introduced to the kids within a few weeks — against professional counsel — and it made things hell. The rule of thumb is to wait a minimum of six months, or even better, a year, to make the introductions. Take care of your first family first! Build up trust and establish the new dynamics of your reconfigured family. Make it about the kids and not about your ego. And when things start to settle and people begin to heal a little, then make the transition slowly and thoughtfully. It’s not a fire sale. Not everything is replaceable. You can’t swap item A for item B and think that nobody will notice. Your family is your own little piece of this world and at its core reflects who and what you are. Treat it with respect and dignity and give it the time it needs to mend in a real and meaningful way.

Copyright © 2009 Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex’s Hollywood wife make you miserable

About the Author:

Born and raised in Toronto, Mary Jo Eustace, author of Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex’s Hollywood wife make you miserable, is an author, actress, singer, chef, and mother to Jack and Lola. Mary Jo was married to Dean McDermott for thirteen years before Dean met Tori Spelling on the set of the Lifetime made-for-TV movie Mind Over Murder. After her highly publicized divorce, Mary Jo returned to her native Canada with her son and newly adopted daughter to film her cooking show, He Said, She Said with Ken and Mary Jo for Canada’s W Network. Mary Jo is the author of the bestselling cookbook By My Side. She has also written for the bestselling anthology The Other Woman and has been featured on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and The Today Show.

For more information, view Mary Jo Eustace’s Web site.

Photo:  Gulzar2

We know that the dating scene has changed considerably since we were younger. How will we know what is expected of us and what should we expect from our date?

By: Natasha Morgan

After years of being married or in a long time relationship most women find that starting to date again is daunting. Those of us in our middle-years who never expected to face this situation again are finding it extremely difficult.

We know that the dating scene has changed considerably since we were younger. How will we know what is expected of us and what should we expect from our date?

Recently, a group of baby-boomer women got together over lunch to exchange views on some common problems.

Justine:

“I’ve just met an interesting man whom I’d like to know better. Is it too forward of me to offer him my telephone number? What if he’s the type who would prefer to make the first move?”

Sharon:

“At the first meeting, you’ve probably established some common interests. You could suggest getting together sometime to share these interest i.e. play tennis, visit an exhibition, or see a movie. If he sounds interested you could give him your number without feeling that you’re being too forward.”

Susan:

“A mutual friend introduced me to a man who later called to ask me out for dinner. I was excited to hear from him but was full of self doubt. What should I wear? What if he chooses a restaurant that serves food that I don’t like. Who will pay?”

Helen:

“I found that a good way to elicit answers is to say: That sounds wonderful, which restaurant do you have in mind? The answer should give you clues on the dress code and if need be, give you an opportunity to tactfully suggest a different restaurant.”

Susan:

“Ok, but what about paying the bill?”

Nancy:

“I know it can be awkward but you’ll just have to be clear before you go. In today’s environment, it’s not uncommon to share the cost of the bill so don’t make assumptions. Having wrong expectations can cause embarrassment for both of you.”

Susan:

“That scares me. A doctor friend of mine revealed that some of her dates expected her to pick up the tab because she is a doctor and presumably had more money.”

Helen:

“I once planned to go on a dinner date to a newly opened Italian restaurant. We agreed on 7:00 PM on Friday evening. I was excited and dressed for the occasion but when 7:30 arrived and I was still waiting, I became angry and humiliated. Fortunately at 7:45 he called to ask where I was. Evidently, we were to meet at the restaurant. It was embarrassing but could have been much worse if he had assumed that I had stood him up.”

Susan:

“Yes, in my earlier dating years, I expected the man to pick me up from my home or office. Now many men feel it’s perfectly acceptable to meet at the restaurant.”

Just then, the lunch bill arrived and the women automatically passed it around the table. Without hesitation each put down the cost of her meal, including tax and tip.

Why can’t it be that easy when we go on a date?

Note:

This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com.

It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women at NotJustTheKitchen.com.

Photo: borkur.net

By: CD Mohatta

In a marriage, what are the limits for friendship with a member of the opposite sex? Who sets these limits? What is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair? Is an emotional affair wrong? Does an emotional affair help the marriage by letting a partner vent out all emotional frustration, which otherwise he/she would not have done with his/her spouse? Or does it kill the marriage?

What is an emotional affair?
Most of us have friendships. Many of us are very close in some of our friendships. We share quite a lot in such friendships. But when one develops such a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex, it can be termed as an emotional affair. Sharing intimate emotional details with someone of opposite sex is called an emotional affair. This the the common definition. It also includes the clause that you are keeping your partner unaware about the emotional bond you share with someone else.

Does it hurt your marriage?
It hurts a marriage if after knowing about the details shared, the spouse feels that mutual trust was violated. If the emotional affair becomes strong, it may so happen that one may begin sharing more emotional details with one’s friend than with one’s spouse. That hurts the spouse and may also lead to a break-up.

Why do people have emotional affairs?
It has being debated whether an emotional affair is purely emotional or it has begun because of physical attraction. Does one need a friend of opposite sex to share emotional details? Why not one of your own sex? And why does one feel uncomfortable with one’s spouse about this bond? All pointers go in one direction – an emotional affair may be the way one wants to begin a physical relationship with another, outside the marriage. Otherwise, if one wants to have emotional sharing, or to vent out feelings, one can easily consult a psychiatrist which will help her feel relieved and get advice. Or one can chose a friend of the same sex.

How to avoid an emotional affair?
One who is involved in an emotional affair needs to ask own self if this is only emotional? Why do I need this person to talk about everything? You must reflect. Talk it out with your spouse. Let your head control your heart for a moment and think about the marriage and the bond. This may help you to understand an emotional affair and help you to come out of it.

Saying sorry after having an emotional affair is the first step. You can also send ecards to say sorry and begin rebuilding your marriage via your PC right away.

About the Author:

CD Mohatta is a content writer for ecards, screensavers and wallpapers for http://www.valentinesday-cards.com, http://www.cupidecards.com , http://www.ecarduniverse.com etc.

Source: www.isnare.com

Blended Family

Stepmothers can take a lesson from stepfathers:  Stepfathers generally report lower levels of involvement in the early years of stepfamily formation.

By: Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

The dawn of 2010 is a watershed moment for what we might call the New American Family. This is the year, according to many experts, when stepfamilies will outnumber first families in the U.S. One in three Americans is now a “step” of some sort — stepparent, stepsibling, or stepchild.

There’s now no denying that stepfamilies have our place in mainstream American culture. But there are plenty of struggles too. Many stepfamilies find they don’t get the support and understanding they need from their children’s schools, or from their churches or temples. Stepkids feel loyalty binds — a sense that to love or even like a stepparent is a betrayal of their real mom or dad. And stepparents often feel shut out — by partners who have gotten used to years of parenting solo, and by stepkids who, the research shows, tend to be hostile and rejecting of a stepparent in the initial years of the repartnership — and sometimes for years.

Here are ten simple steps stepfamilies can take to usher in a decade of stepfamily satisfaction:

1.  Resolve to be a couple. Remarriages with children are twice as likely to fail as those without. Stepcouples are assailed by challenges including children who are unenthused about the union, family and friends who don’t get the stress of repartnering with children, and unsupportive exes in the wings. Putting the marriage or partnership first gives the whole family a chance at stability and happiness.

2.  Don’t try to “blend.” Stepfamilies are assailed by unrealistic expectations. The primary one is that they are “supposed” to be just like a first family. When we ask stepfamily members to “blend,” we’re putting them in a jam with regards to the other parent in the picture, as well as their separate histories and family cultures. Stepfamilies can be healthy settings for adults and kids, particularly when we remove the pressure to “be” any particular way.

3.  Bridge the gap. Young adult stepchildren especially, come to a developmental crossroads where they may be able to see a previously demonized stepparent in a new way, or understand their parent’s divorce from another point of view. Spouses can give their spouse who is a stepparent the benefit of the doubt in the New Year: “I married her, and I’m going to trust that when she’s upset, she’s not making a big deal out of nothing.” It is amazing how finding this “middle ground” can soothe and heal old hurts.

4.  Resolve to care for yourself. As I interviewed women for my book Stepmonster, I realized they all fit the new research findings about stepmothers to a T: many were trying so hard to buck the “wicked stepmother” stereotype that they bent over backwards in the wrong direction. Sure, it’s nice to be kind. But never expressing any displeasure with your stepkids, and constantly putting your own needs and feelings last, as stepmothers are usually expected to do, is a recipe for resentment. Self-care is key for women with stepkids. A regular “girls night out” or occasional massage or even just finding time to read a novel are key to preventing stepmaternal burn out.

5.  Resolve to lower the bar. This one’s easy! In general, stepparents will do well to do less — less attempting to blend, less trying to win the kids over, less acting as a family and marital counselor. Stepmothers can take a lesson from stepfathers here: stepfathers generally report lower levels of involvement in the early years of stepfamily formation — and kids report higher levels of satisfaction with stepfathers than with stepmothers. There are lots of factors to consider, but a big one is the ability to step back, and let the relationship develop on its own terms, in its own time.

6.  Learn to fight. That’s right. It’s a skill. And couples with kids from previous relationships are going to need it. Find a “hot topic” communication formula that works for you…and use it. This can include “I sentences” versus accusations (”When you say that I feel . . . ” instead of “You always do X!”), as well as communication formulas found in Stepmonster and other books listed in “resources” below.

7.  Find the right things to do together. Eye-to-eye activities, like sitting down to talk, are always more stressful for steps than are shoulder to shoulder ones. Try doing a puzzle, playing a board game (Scrabble can be a good one if the stepkids are older) or doing arts and crafts together. And understand that unlike first families, stepfamilies bond best one-on-one. All-together activities tend to activate everyone’s fears of being an outsider.

8.  Get out of the house, and invite family and friends in. Stepparents in particular need to balance the sense that they are something of an “outsider” in the household with plenty of time with family and friends who help them feel like an insider. Stepkids of any age will feel less “on the spot” if there isn’t endless attention trained on their every move, and they are part of a living, lively household that gives them a sense of security and belonging.

9.  Resolve not to treat the kids like royalty. Kids of any age who turn up want to feel included and comfortable, and that doesn’t happen when parent and stepparent bend over backwards to accommodate their every whim, or design their days around a step/child’s desires. Making him or her part of what you do normally, plus some alone time with mom or dad, will helps kids feel like family rather than guests.

10.  Find a place. Give a stepchild who doesn’t live with you something that is always the same — if it can’t be a whole closet, then a spot in one, a regular place at the dinner table, and so on. And stepparents, be sure to find a place in the house that is just for you. When stepfamily life gets momentarily tense — which is inevitably will — you will have a place to escape and recharge.

©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

About the Author:
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.

A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Become a fan of Wednesday Martin on Facebook: www.facebook.com.

Photo: tomschaefer

Taking pictures with digital camera

Cameras make pictures that are rectangular, not square, so you should turn your camera vertically for appropriate subjects, such as portraits of people.

By:  Tom Grimm and Michele Grimm

Here are 10 easy ways to greatly improve your digital photographs and avoid the pitfalls that are common with today’s automatic cameras.

1. Pay Attention to Composition.
Too often a picture lacks impact because your subjects seem too far away. Move closer or zoom in to concentrate attention on your main subject and to avoid unwanted elements that are distracting. Make certain you see nothing in the viewfinder or on the LCD screen that you don’t want in the final picture. Be especially alert for cluttered backgrounds. Finally, just before you shoot, check that the horizon appears level in your camera’s viewfinder or on the LCD screen.

2. Vary the Format of Your Pictures.
Cameras make pictures that are rectangular, not square, so you should remember to turn your camera vertically for appropriate subjects, such as portraits of people. In other words, don’t be so lazy that you always hold the camera horizontally. Appropriately, horizontal images are in the format called landscape, while the format for vertical shots is known as portrait.

3. Shoot, Shoot, Shoot.
If you used to shoot with a film camera, break the old habit of just making one or two exposures. The memory cards that are substitutes for film in digital cameras will hold hundreds of pictures and you can easily erase the images you don’t like. So shoot away until you get the perfect picture. A big bonus is that you won’t have to spend extra time at your computer fixing up mediocre shots with image-editing software.

4. Press the Shutter Release Button . . . Don’t Jab It.
More pictures are ruined because of camera shake than for any other reason. The main offense is jabbing or snapping your finger down on the shutter release (which jars the camera). It’s easy to avoid blurred pictures: Just remember to arch your shooting finger and slowly press or squeeze the shutter button. Also, be sure to hold your camera with two hands to help keep it steady.

5. Shoot with Flash Outdoors.
Pictures taken outdoors, especially of people and pets, are frequently better when you use your camera’s built-in flash. That’s because direct sunlight often causes annoying shadows on faces, particularly around the eyes. Flash “fills in” those shadows to provide uniform illumination and a more pleasing portrait. Also, to keep your subjects from squinting in bright sunlight, ask them to turn their backs to the sun. That puts their faces in shadow, which you’ll then illuminate with the flash.

6. Memorize the Shooting Range of Your Flash.
Although they are convenient, built-in flash units are not very powerful and underexposed flash pictures in dark places are often the result. To avoid underexposures (or overexposures) with your flash, memorize its operating range. How distant (or close) can your subject be for a proper exposure? The flash range of a point-and-shoot camera may only be 3 to 12 feet. Caution: the flash range will change as you adjust your camera’s zoom lens; check the instruction manual.

7. Set a Higher ISO for Sharper, Non-blurred Images, and Greater Flash Range.
Keep in mind that adjusting your camera’s ISO to a higher number, such as ISO 800 instead of ISO 100, automatically sets smaller lens openings for more sharply focused images, as well as faster shutter speeds for stop-action, non-blurry pictures. It also extends the maximum distance range of a built-in or dedicated flash unit. Unfortunately, a very high ISO, such as ISO 1600 or 3200 (if available) may cause unwanted effects in digital images called artifacts. Take some test pictures at different ISO settings to compare the results.

8. Read and Reread Your Camera Manual (and our Digital Photo Book).
Most new camera owners look at the instructions only once or twice, if at all. But modern digital cameras, whether point-and-shoot or SLR (single lens reflex) models, are not as simple as their advertisements suggest. Study the instruction booklet until you’re familiar with all of the camera’s buttons, symbols, and picture possibilities. If you lose the instructions or forget to bring them on a trip, log onto your camera manufacturer’s Web site and download a copy of the manual.

9. Compose Pictures with Your Viewfinder, Not the LCD.
Unless you’re taking close-ups, it is easier, faster, and steadier to compose pictures by using your camera’s viewfinder (if available) instead of the LCD screen. There is more support with the camera pressed to your face as you look through the viewfinder instead of trying to hold it steady at arm’s length while composing subjects on the LCD screen. Also, you won’t be bothered by bright light that makes it difficult to see images on the LCD.

10. Don’t Let the Date and Time Deface Your Pictures.
Make sure your camera is not set to automatically print the time anddate of your shots on the front of your pictures; it will ruin their appearance. Besides, you should be aware that the time and date are embedded in every photo image file as hidden metadata that can be viewed at anytime with image-editing software on your computer.

©2009 Tom Grimm and Michele Grimm, authors of The Basic Book of Digital Photography: How to Shoot, Enhance, and Share Your Digital Pictures

About the Authors:
Tom Grimm and Michele Grimm, authors of The Basic Book of Digital Photography: How to Shoot, Enhance, and Share Your Digital Pictures, are a husband-and-wife photojournalism team who have spent nearly four decades traveling the globe; the couple has visited every continent and more than 130 countries in search of the perfect photographic image. Their photographs and articles have been published worldwide in magazines and newspapers and on the Internet. The Grimms are authors and illustrators of thirteen adult and children’s books.

For more information, please visit www.TomGrimm.com and www.amazon.com.

Photo:  mariczka

Family Christmas

Get out of the house. For stepmothers especially, there can be extraordinary pressure to create that Norman Rockwell aura over the holidays.

By:  Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

When you think of holidays, you probably think of family.

And that’s what makes holidays so tough for stepfamilies. At this time of year, couples in a remarriage with children might be feeling . . . imperfect. For example, they might be polarized — he misses his kids, while she hopes they won’t treat her like the maid when they show up. She wants to buy her 25-year old’s plane ticket to come for a holiday visit — he thinks she spoils her kids and young adults should pay their own way.

Even if they’re on the same page about their step/kids, both members of the couple likely find themselves facing plenty of misunderstanding from friends and family as visions of sugarplums dance in our collective heads. “His kids won’t be here for the holidays? How come?!” “I can’t believe they’re going to spend only Christmas Eve with you.” “You’re not doing holidays with his ex? How come? Isn’t that the best thing for the kids?”

In the face of all the pressure and misunderstanding, take heart. Here are ten simple tips for stepfamily sanity this holiday season.

1. Give up on “blending.” Stepfamilies come together in their own ways, and in their own time — experts say four to 12 years! Particularly at holiday time, stepkids of any age may feel their loyalty binds more acutely (”Dad’s remarried but mom’s not so I should spend the whole holiday with her”). And sometimes in spite of a stepparent’s best efforts, a stepchild may keep his or her distance, taking a “stand” at holiday time. Don’t expect your stepfamily to resemble an eggnog smoothie during the holidays and you’ll spare yourself and your marriage a lot of aggravation.

2. Let your stepfamily be what it is. One family I interviewed put up two trees every year, because it mattered that much to them all to honor their own traditions. Respecting those differences can help everyone come together in their own way.

3. Know that you and your spouse will probably argue. From deciding how much to spend on gifts for her kids, to reopening old wounds about how the stepkids behaved during holidays past, couples in a remarriage with children are under extraordinary pressure this season. Arguments aren’t signs of failure — they’re opportunities to communicate. Find communication formulas and tips that work for you in Stepmonster and other books for couples with stepchildren.

4. Keep it normal. Whether they’re five or 50, what kids want post divorce and remarriage is a sense of belonging. So skip the red carpet welcome and think “inclusive” and “normal.” Give mom or dad some time alone with his or her kids, and then do the things you do every day and every holiday, inviting the kids to join. Let older and adult stepkids help with holiday meal planning and prep, serving and clean-up. Little ones can make place cards or holiday art for guests. This helps them feel like family, not guests. And when they’re pitching in and happy, stepmom/stepdad won’t feel as depleted or de-centered by their visit.

5. Choose side by side activities. Puzzles, stringing popcorn, baking, and watching a holiday movie all let you spend time together without interacting “head on,” which experts like Patricia Papernow tell us can be more stressful for “steps.”

6. Know your limits. Don’t do or give in a way that will increase your resentment. If your stepkids habitually forget to bring anything for you, or have a history of not writing thank you notes, don’t go overboard with extravagant gifts and efforts. Let them be your guide to avoid martyr syndrome (”I do and I do for them!”) during (and after) the holidays.

7. Strategize ahead of time. Stepfamilies aren’t first families. There may be tensions, and that’s normal. Spouses might have to plan out activities and time alone ahead of time. “I think I’m going to need a break tomorrow. How about a long walk together first thing in the morning?” This is not a failure — just a constructive way of adapting.

8. Remember stepfamily members bond best one-on-one. All-together-now activities can activate stepkids’ anxieties about who’s an insider and who’s an outsider. Give parent and stepparent plenty of one-on-one time with kids and stepkids — and with each other. And don’t forget about yourselves as a couple. You need one-on-one time, too.

9. Get out of the house. For stepmothers especially, there can be extraordinary pressure to create that Norman Rockwell aura over the holidays. Before the pressure gets to be too much, get out to see friends and your own family. Take time to pamper, whether it’s a spa visit or a coffee with pals who understand and don’t judge. Getting out of your own home, away from your stepkids and even your spouse, isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a necessity, rejuvenating you and helping prevent stepparental burnout.

10. Let go of the guilt. Remember that even first families struggle with unrealistic expectations during the holidays. If things don’t go perfectly — if there are squabbles or hurt feelings — have faith that this is normal and won’t damage the kids or your marriage irreparably. Stepfamily members are bound to have differences and even blow-ups. By showing your stepkids that people can argue and then move on, you are modeling the kind of resilience that will serve them well for a lifetime. That might be the ultimate holiday gift.

©2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

About the Author:
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.

A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Photo: y Michael Middleton

Christmas Decoration

‘Tis the season to be jolly! Don’t forget to tip well this season — etiquette coaches will tell you that means no less than 18%.

Ever catch yourself saying “I Used to Know That” ?

Each holiday season brings another round of cocktail parties, family get-togethers, and corporate gatherings — and invariably, lots of small talk. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when discussing politics, literature, and other intellectual “stuff,” especially when what is thought to be general knowledge is often long-forgotten.

Here we’ve cherry-picked twelve fun facts for the holiday season — one for every day of Christmas (or whatever holiday you prefer!) Quiz yourself to see how much “stuff” you need to brush up on before hobnobbing with the boss or office crush.

1. On building sentences: Just what is a “clause”? (Not to be confused with Santa Claus.)

Answer: A clause contains a subject and a verb and may stand alone as a sentence or as part of a sentence (when it is often called a subordinate clause): Santa Claus loves cookies but can’t eat them without milk.

2. How many bones is the spine made up of?

Answer: 26 small bones called vertebrae (Be careful lifting all those heavy holiday boxes.)

3. Acclaimed author Charles Dickens (1812-70) wrote which Christmas classic?

Answer: A Christmas Carol. The miserly Ebenezer Scrooge tries to ignore Christmas and is haunted by the ghost of his former partner, Marley, and by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come, who show him the error of his ways.

4. The fist chapter of this famous book opens with “Call me Ishmael.” Name the book and author. (Hint: it makes a whale of a gift!)

Answer: Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Melville is also the author of Pierre and the unfinished Billy Budd.

5. There’s a name for the process of watering your Christmas tree? Who knew?

Answer: Grab the kids and give them this science factoid as they nurture the family tree: Osmosis is a form of diffusion that is specific to the movement of water. Water moves through a selectively permeable membrane (that is, one that lets some types of molecules through but not others) from a place where there is a higher concentration of water to one where it is lower.

6. Can you name all 6 wives of Henry VIII, father of the Church of England?

Answer: (Listed in order) Catherine, Anne, Jane, Anne, Catherine, Catherine. They are often remembered as divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. Sure makes you think twice when complaining about bad relatives.

7. Who was the 7th President of the United States?

Answer: Abraham Lincoln (R, 1861-65) and yes — he really was born in a log cabin on a winter’s day. Notably famous for many reasons including his Gettysburg Address: “Four Score and Seven Years ago our fathers brought fourth upon this continent a new nation conceived in Liberty . . . ”

8. ‘Tis the season to be jolly giving! Don’t forget to tip well this season — etiquette coaches will tell you that means no less than 18%. So just how much should you tip on a bill of $50?

Answer: Percent means by a hundred, so anything expressed as a percentage is a fraction (or part, if you prefer) of 100. So 18% is 18 parts of 100, or 18/100 or .18. If your bill is $50, multiply 50 by .18 to get your tip total of $9. If you’re feeling generous, a 20% tip would require you to multiply 50 by .20, for a total of $10.00

50.00 x .18 = 9.00

50.00 x .20 = 10.00

Percentages can also be holiday-relevant when it comes to figuring out in-store sales. In this case, you want to multiply by the inverse of the percentage listed. So if you have a $50 sweater that’s on sale for 25% off, multiply 50 by .75 for your total of $37.50. That same $50 sweater on sale for 40% off would equate to $30, or $50 multiplied by .60.

50.00 x .75 = 37.50

50.00 x .60 = 30.00

9. Brr, it’s cold outside. But just how cold does it have to be to get some snow around here?

Answer: Did you know that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees Fahrenheit? Keep an eye on the temperature and watch your footing for ice on the ground. (See previous fact about those treasured vertebrae!)

10. Everyone knows Santa and his elves live in the North Pole. But what about the South Pole (aka Antarctica)?

Answer: The South Pole was discovered by Roald Amundsen (1872-1928, Norwegian), who was also the first to sail though the Northwest passage, the sea route from Pacific to Atlantic along the north coast of North America. Antarctica is the only continent that contains no countries — instead, it is a stateless territory protected from exploitation by an international treaty. A good place for the elves to protest low wages?

11. Which Ocean is bigger: the Pacific or the Atlantic?

Answer: The Pacific Ocean is larger at 69,374 square miles — that’s almost double the Atlantic, which comes in at 35,665 square miles. Making it evenmore astonishing that St. Nick can cross the globe in just one night.

12. Remember the reason for the Season! Can you name a few things that both Judaism and Christianity have in common?

Answer: Both are monotheistic religions that share the first five books of the Christian Old Testament. Both religions view Jerusalem as a sacred site, the former for the Wailing Wall (contains the remains of the temple that was thought to be the place where God resides on earth) and the latter for Christ’s burial and resurrection site.

Happy Holidays to all!

©2009 Caroline Taggart

About the Author:
Caroline Taggart, author of I Used to Know That: Stuff You Forgot From School, has been an editor of non-fiction books for nearly 30 years and has covered nearly every subject from natural history and business to gardening and astronomy. She has written several books and was the editor of Writer’s Market UK 2009.

For more information please visit www.amazon.com.

Photo: brockvicky

Blended family

The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team. Otherwise, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension.

By:  Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish. Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say:

Remember that his kids will always come first.

Leave the disciplining to him.

You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t.

With patience and love, they will come around.

The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right. For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial. It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships. The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them.

Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely. To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations. For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her. If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.”

“Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging.

As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out. Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice. What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority. I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me.

Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them. Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what?

The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd. It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? — expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is. Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far.

You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t. We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk.

Copyright © 2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

About the Author:
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.

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Meditating on the Beach

“Who makes problems?  We humans.  And who is the controller of the human? The mind.  And how to control the human mind?  Through meditation.

By:  Ed and Deb Shapiro,

Meditation is now the IN thing. Cross-legged yogis and Buddhist monks can be seen in advertisements for everything from computers and credit cards to herbal teas, major newspapers and magazines carry stories on the benefits of meditation with tips from famous film stars, and no self-respecting bookshop is without a how-to-meditate section.

It is only in the last few decades that the general population has begun to realize how valuable the practice of meditation really is, regardless of spiritual or religious interests. Yet meditation has been the main focus of spiritual practice for thousands of years. You do not have to be a hippie or on a spiritual quest to meditate: we have taught everyone from housewives to athletes and musicians, and therapists to CEOs, in town halls, high school gymnasiums, corporate boardrooms, and on our own TV series in London.

However, if meditation is so available and as well known as it seems to be, why is it not already an integral part of everyone’s lives? If health reports are saying how good it is as a way to cope with stress, why do we ignore it or find excuses not to do it? And why do we think of something as a waste of time when all the research tells us it is of such immense value?

Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” In other words, change has to start within ourselves; we cannot expect the world to change if we do not. If we want to have more love in our lives, we must become more loving; if we genuinely want to end terrorism and to bring real and peaceful change to the world, then we must start by ending the war within ourselves.

This brings us to the importance of contemplation and meditation. Without such a practice of self-reflection, we are subject to our ego’s every whim, and we have no way of putting a brake on its demands. Meditation, on the other hand, gives us the space to see ourselves clearly and objectively, a place from which we can witness our own behavior and reduce the ego’s influence. We get to know the madness of our monkey mind and until it loses its hold. Only then do we have a genuine opportunity to change.

Through the practice of meditation we find that the more positive aspects of ourselves are enhanced while the more self-centered aspects begin to naturally fade away. As the need to be constantly engaged in the details of our own story loses its relevance, so the ego releases its grip and becomes less demanding. This does not mean that we become just like a doormat and let people walk all over us. Rather, we become more confident, are able to communicate more openly and honestly, and to love more unconditionally.

In this way meditation enables us to change. From being self-centered, we become other-centered, concerned about the welfare of all equally, rather than being focused on just ourselves. We become more acutely aware of how we affect the planet, how we treat each other and our world, and seek to become a positive presence rather than a passive or negative one. As we find our own peace, we want to actively help others to also be at peace. When we find our peace there is one less person suffering!

We were in India in 1986 when we first met the Dalai Lama, the spiritual and political leader of Tibet, and probably the world’s most famous meditator. We were waiting for our meeting in a room that led off a balcony at his residence, beyond which rose the Himalayas resplendent in the morning sunshine. Ed wandered outside to enjoy the view. He saw a monk further along the balcony waving for us to come. We presumed this monk would bring us to our meeting. But as we came closer, we realized that this simple and unpretentious man was the Dalai Lama himself. We immediately began to prostrate, as this is the respected way of greeting such a revered teacher. But the Dalai Lama took our hands and made us stand, saying, “No, no. We are all equal here.” It was easy to think, “Oh sure! You are the great Dalai Lama, spiritual leader to millions, and we are just mere mortals. How can we possibly be equal?” But over the following months, we both experienced the true equality he was referring to — the equality of our shared humanness and, simultaneously, our shared heart.

A Compassionate Revolution

A revolution is a re-evolution, where we take a higher step in the evolution of consciousness; it is also a revolving, a turning around of ourselves in response to an inner calling. To be the change and make a real difference in the world means we need a revolution — a compassionate revolution. This is the turning of our energy from being focused on self-centeredness, self-survival, and closed-heartedness to concern for others, generosity, and open-heartedness. If we genuinely want to end war, inequality, and abuse, then we have to practice ahimsa and kindness toward all equally, for there will never be peace in the world if we are not at peace within ourselves.

To activate a compassionate revolution is to enter into an exploration of all aspects of our humanness so that we can live sanely in a world that often looks insane, riddled with affliction and conflict. So much hurt and denial, abuse and disrespect, so many atrocities have taken place in the name of religion and politics, or through greed and selfishness, so many misunderstandings between families, races, and countries.

As the Tibetan teacher Mingyur Rinpoche says, “Who makes problems? We humans. And who is the controller of the human? The mind. And how to control the human mind? Through meditation. If you can control the pilot, then the pilot can control the plane.”

Meditation can do this because it brings us to a place of clear and caring responsiveness. It is that rare activity that can ease suffering while also giving us the awareness and spiritual intelligence to move beyond the self-centeredness and self-destruction that cause suffering. It removes the obstacles in our mind that prevent us from seeing things as they really are, freeing us to become kinder and more compassionate. In other words, it awakens our full human potential. And, as we are transformed, so the world will also transform.

©2009 Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be the Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World

Author Bios
Ed and Deb Shapiro, authors of Be the Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, are the award-winning authors of fifteen books on meditation, personal development, and social action. They are featured bloggers for the HuffingtonPost.com and for Care2.com, teach meditation workshops worldwide, work as corporate coaches and consultants, and are the creators and writers of the daily Chill Our inspirational text messages on Sprint cell phones. The Shapiros’ books include Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the 2007 Visionary Book Award;Voices From the Heart with contributors such as President Gorbachev, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Bishop Tutu; and Meditation: The Four-Step Course to Calmness and Clarity. Ed, from New York, trained in India with Paramahamsa Satyananda, with Sri Swami Satchidananda, and with Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Deb, from London, trained with Tai Situ Rinpoche. The Shapiros have taught meditation and personal development for more than twenty-five years. They currently reside in Boulder, Colorado.

For more information please visit www.EdandDebShapiro.com.

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