By: Jay Cataldo

While a breakup can seem to come out of nowhere, the warning signs are usually all around us.  The trick lies in not only knowing which signs to look for, but in being brave enough to acknowledge them when you see them.  Though I can’t give you the courage you’ll need to address your relationship issues, I can show you how to develop a sixth sense for when a breakup is about to happen.

While many different signposts exist that can call attention to possible issues, this article will focus on four major ones that should be addressed immediately.

Warning Sign # 1:  Your partner starts distancing themselves from you

There are two different kinds of distancing you should be aware of: “physical distancing” and “emotional distancing.”  The first kind is when you find yourself spending less time with your partner.  Now, if this happens because a change in their schedule (i.e. new job responsibilities), then don’t automatically assume that it’s a red flag.  However, if nothing has changed at work and you find that they’re rarely around anymore, this might be something to pay attention to.

“Emotional distancing” is a much stronger indicator of relationship issues and is something that you will just “feel” on an intuitive level.  When this type of distancing is taking place, you will start to feel disconnected from your partner on multiple levels.  Take a good look at your typical daily conversations for clues.  Does he try to quickly disengage from conversations?  Is he more negative than usual?  Does he display a lack of interest when you try to share your feelings with him?  These are all signs that your partner’s interest in you may be slipping away.

About five years ago, I was dating a girl whose job transferred her a few states away.  We tried to make our relationship work, but the unmistakable signs that we were drifting apart began to show rather quickly.  One of the first ways she began to distance herself was by calling me less and less, and when we did end up speaking, our conversations were usually flat and uninteresting.  As I contrasted this with her past behavior of generally sounding excited to hear from me, it quickly became apparent that our relationship was headed for a disaster.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know what to do about it, so I kept my mouth shut, fearing that the slightest argument might push her over the edge.  About a month later, my worst fears were realized when I found out she had started seeing somebody else.

Warning Sign # 2:  A new group of friends comes into the picture

This is a variation of physical distancing that happens when a group of new friends comes into your partner’s life and begins to affect his daily habits.  Here’s a quick example: Let’s say that your partner usually spends the weekends with you, but all of a sudden, his new friends start constantly dragging him out to poker nights, clubs and god knows where else until you barely see each other anymore.  While I believe that a bit of space can do wonders for a relationship, this type of drastic change may have ill-intended consequences, especially if his new friends are known to engage in what can be considered “sketchy” behavior of any sort.  Our friends have a great deal of influence over us which means that we can easily be coaxed into adopting bad habits if we see the people we trust and respect engaging in them.

Warning Sign # 3: You notice a change in the frequency of your arguments

There are two signs to watch out for here.  If the two of you used to argue constantly, but now it seems that arguments are few and far between, you may have a problem on your hands.  Unless you have been attending couple’s counseling together, this is a strong indicator that your partner has started to withdraw his emotional attachment to you and the relationship.

The second sign is the exact opposite of the previous one.  If the two of you rarely fight, but now you suddenly find him starting in with you over minor issues, there’s a good chance he is attempting to get you to lose your cool.  This is a very common behavior for someone who is looking for excuses to leave a relationship; when they have trouble finding an excuse, they will provoke their partner into doing (or saying) something they can use to justify leaving the relationship.  Even though it may seem silly that someone would go through all this trouble, it’s actually very common for people to search out a good excuse to leave a relationship in order to help minimize any guilt they might feel about the separation.

Warning Sign # 4: Your partner seems disinterested in sex

This is a big indicator of a broken relationship.  You can tell a lot about the state of your relationship by the quality and frequency of your sexual encounters.  If you have noticed that your partner rarely initiates sex anymore, or that the quality of sex has deteriorated (less passion, etc.) your relationship may be in serious jeopardy.

An ever bigger signal that something is wrong is when your partner actively refuses all of your sexual advances.  At this stage, there’s a very good chance that he may be sleeping with someone else, and if not, then he will certainly be tempted to do so if the right opportunity comes along.  A lack of good sex in the relationship is one of the biggest reasons why men cheat on their partners.

So now that you’re familiar with the four major warning signs, be on the lookout for them in your relationship and be sure to quickly address these issues if they ever arise.  Sometime in the future, I’ll be putting together a new article for you on how to properly address these signposts if they pop up, but for now, focus on maintaining a strong, healthy bond with your partner.

About the Author:

Jay Cataldo is a NYC based life coach and a relationship book author.  He splits his time between running his life coaching practice and his latest project, DefinitiveDiva.com – a multi-faceted resource for women which offers expert advice in the areas of dating, relationships, business, beauty, health and fitness.  Jay is known for getting quick and lasting results for his clients and currently coaches people all over the world via webcam.

In the 60’s it was hard to find a good cup of coffee anywhere in Britain. Tea was offered everywhere from upscale restaurants to railway stations. The traditional strong “cuppa” was brewed with loose tea and tea-bags were a rarity. There was a correct way to make tea and most Brits frowned upon straying from the true and tested method:

1. Warm the earthenware teapot (often called Brown Betty) with hot water.
2. Scoop generous spoonfuls of loose tea into the warmed pot.
3. Fill the pot with boiling hot water.
4. Cover the pot with a tea cozy and let steep 3-5 minutes.
To serve: Milk must be poured in to the cup first. Then, tea poured in
through a strainer.

Ah-h-h… now that’s a great cup of tea!

Today, even the tea drinking rituals have gone by the wayside in modern UK. Most busy households throw a tea-bag into a cup, add hot water and milk, stir and remove the bag. Even stranger, many are opting for a cup of coffee.

Try ordering a cup of tea in a restaurant in the US. First, you must clarify that it is indeed “hot” tea that you want. Most often you will get a cup of lukewarm water with a tea-bag on the saucer. If you’re extremely lucky, you might get hot water in a small metal pot with the tea-bag on the side.

Now, what’s wrong with that, you might ask. The tea tastes awful!

Is it any wonder that most Americans turn to coffee when it comes to a hot beverage. The selection of coffees offered at Starbucks, Second Cup and  Seattle’s Best is endless. Oh yes, some teas are beginning to creep on the menus of specialty coffee houses. However, neither the coffee nor the tea bears any resemblance to the original form. They are laced with spices, sweeteners and cream as well as carrying a hefty price tag.

The popularity of these drinks has grown to embrace most large cities throughout the world. As a traveler you don’t have to deprive yourself of your favorite coffee when visiting Sydney, Dubai or France.

What about the stalwart tea drinker? You might still find a good “cuppa’ in rural England, India or even New Zealand.  But, to be on the safe side, you might start developing a taste for a “latte” or a “cafe mocha”.

This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com.

It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women.

Photo:  winemakerssister

By: Natasha Morgan

The internet was always thought to be the exclusive domain of the young. Then, the older age groups discovered that e-mailing family and friends was easier and more cost effective than sending a fax or using “snail mail”.

While several years passed, Boomers began exploring the various “Search” options on the net and learned that nearly anything they wanted to know was available on some website or another.

Then came Social Media. Once again, the older group considered it to be a tool for the younger generation. After all, didn’t they already have a hard time keeping up with the activities of their existing friends and family?

Sites like FaceBook and MySpace began appearing in news headlines pointing out potential dangers when teen-agers had unsupervised access to the internet. That caught the attention of the parents who began signing up to the Social networking sites in record numbers. They wanted to know what their kids were posting for the world to see.

As they were keeping an eye on their kids, the Boomers discovered other like-minded people on the sites and began “friending” each other. Some sought advice while others shared experiences. Raising teen-agers was a daunting task and knowing you were not alone and didn’t have all the answers, fuelled these relationships.

Raising children was not the only issue the Boomers were experiencing. Many had aging parents, health issues, financial or career difficulties. Finding other Boomers with whom to share the burden, made coping a little easier. Some of these “friends” who had never met face to face became real friends over time. Some of them eventually ended up meeting and continuing the relationship for years.

Although privacy was always held dear to most people brought up before the 70’s, this new style networking is quickly catching on. Women in particular enjoy the connections they establish with other women. They don’t necessarily develop the same inter-action with their family or existing friends because their interests might differ. As Baby-Boomer women age, they tend to have more time to pursue hobbies that eluded them during their child rearing years. Social networking helps them discover new interests or take up those left behind before life became too busy.

Fast forward another ten years; will Social Media still be popular? If so, you can count on new versions of computers, notebooks, iphones and blackberries flooding the market. Millions of Baby-Boomers will have given a new meaning to the word “friend”.

This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com.

It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women.

Photo:  Matt Hamm

Planning and saving for retirement may seem like goals that are far in the future. Yet saving, especially for retirement, should start early and continue throughout your lifetime. Here are four reasons why saving matters to women and especially to you!

Do You Know?

* Women are more likely to work in part-time jobs that don’t qualify for a retirement plan. And working women are more likely than men to interrupt their careers to take care of family members. Therefore, they work fewer years and contribute less toward their retirement, resulting in lower lifetime savings. If you work and if you qualify, join a retirement plan now.

* Of the 62 million wage and salaried women (age 21 to 64) working in the United States, just 45 percent participated in a retirement plan. Remember, even small amounts can earn interest and add up over time.

* On average, a female retiring at age 65 can expect to live another 19 years, 3 years longer than a man retiring at the same age. Savings can increase a woman’s chances of having enough money to last during her retirement.

* By and large, women invest more conservatively than men. Choose carefully where you put your money and learn how to make your investments grow.

Start Here…Start Now

Here are eight questions to help you think about retirement and take charge of your financial future:

Do you work for an employer that offers a retirement plan?
If your employer offers a retirement plan, join it as soon as you can and contribute as much as the plan allows. Most employers with a 401(k) plan match a fixed percentage of the employee’s contribution. The most common match is 50 percent of the employee’s contribution up to a maximum percentage of wages or salary (usually 6 percent). The majority of employers offer 50 percent or more. That’s like getting free money! While all job categories may not be included in your employer’s plan (those of part-time or temporary workers, for instance), your job may be one that is.

Remember, by saving early you have time on your side. Your savings will grow and your earnings will compound over time.

Have you worked at the job long enough to earn retirement benefits?
In many companies, you may have to work for 5 years to become eligible to receive retirement benefits. Some workplaces have a shorter vesting period (vesting simply means that you have worked long enough to earn the right to benefits from a savings or pension plan).

Too often employees, especially women, quit work, transfer to another job, or interrupt their work lives just short of the time required to become vested. Ask the personnel office, retirement plan administrator, or union representative about the vesting period and other details of your company’s plan.

Do you keep copies of the documents that define the provisions of your retirement plan?
In addition to asking questions of company or retirement plan officials, you should keep copies of the summary plan description (SPD) and any amendments. The SPD is a document that retirement plan administrators are required to prepare, and it outlines your benefits and how they are calculated. The SPD also spells out the financial consequences usually a reduction in benefits if you decide to retire early (earlier than age 65 in many plans). You probably received a copy of the SPD when you joined the pension or savings plan, but you may request another one from your employer or plan administrator. Also remember to keep retirement-related records from all jobs. They provide valuable information about your benefit rights, even when you no longer work for a company.

What happens to your retirement benefits if you change jobs?
You may lose the retirement benefits you have earned if you leave your job before you are vested. However, once vested, you have the right to receive benefits even when you leave your job. In such cases, the company may allow, or in certain cases may insist, that you take your retirement benefits in a lump sum when you leave. However, other companies may not permit you to receive your money until retirement. The rules for your plan are spelled out in the SPD.

A word of caution: If you receive your retirement benefits in a lump sum, you will owe additional income taxes, and may owe a penalty tax. A better way is to reinvest your savings in another qualified retirement plan or an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) within 60 days. You avoid tax penalties and you keep your long-term retirement goals on track.

If you do want to reinvest the money, it is important that you do not directly receive it. If you receive the money directly, you will have to pay a 20 percent withholding tax on the amount you receive and then file for a refund in the next year, providing proof that you have transferred the funds to an IRA. Instead, instruct the retirement plan to transfer your money directly to an IRA you have established or to another qualified retirement plan. This is easy to do using simple forms supplied by the new plan. If you want help with the forms, representatives of the plan are generally available to assist you.

Do you know how you can save for retirement even if you don’t belong to an employer-sponsored retirement plan?
Anyone receiving compensation or married to someone receiving compensation can contribute to an IRA. In addition, if you are self-employed, you can start a Simplified Employment Plan (SEP) or a Savings Incentive Match Plan for Employees of Small Employers (SIMPLE).

As with other retirement savings plans, there may be tax consequences, and possibly penalties, if you withdraw your savings early.

Are you tracking your Social Security earnings?
More women than ever work, pay Social Security taxes, and earn credit toward a monthly income at retirement. These earnings can mean some income for you and your family in the form of monthly benefits if you become disabled and can no longer work. If you die, your survivors may be eligible for benefits. In addition, you may be eligible for Social Security benefits through your husband’s work and can receive benefits when he retires or if he becomes disabled or dies. Special rules apply if you and your husband have been employed and both have paid into Social Security. Special rules also apply if you are divorced or if you have a government retirement plan.

To calculate your benefit estimate, visit the Social Security Administration’s Web site.

Are you entitled to a portion of your spouse’s retirement benefit if you and your husband divorce?
As part of a divorce or legal separation, you may be able to obtain rights to a portion of your spouse’s retirement benefit (or he may be able to obtain a portion of yours). In most private-sector plans, this is done using a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) issued by the court. You or your attorney should consult your spouse’s plan administrator to determine what requirements the QDRO must meet.

Are you aware of the rules that govern your retirement plan and the retirement plan of your spouse if either of you dies?
The rules are different for defined contribution and defined benefit plans.

If you or your spouse belong to a defined benefit plan (a traditional pension plan), the surviving spouse may be entitled to receive a survivor benefit when the enrolled employee dies. This survivor benefit is automatic unless both spouses agree, in writing, to forfeit the benefit. You will need to check the SPD or consult with the plan administrator regarding survivor annuities or other death benefits.

If you are a beneficiary under your spouse’s defined benefit pension plan, you may want to request a copy of the SPD and other plan documents that describe your spouse’s vested benefits. You will probably want to make the request in writing, and you may be charged a fee for the information.

The rules may be different if you or your spouse participate in a defined contribution plan (such as a 401(k) plan). Consult the plan administrator for details about spousal rights.

It’s Up to You

Once you’ve answered these questions, you’re on the road to learning more about financial freedom. As a resource for women (and men), the Employee Benefits Security Administration has issued two booklets.

Savings Fitness: A Guide to Your Money and Your Financial Future and Taking the Mystery Out of Retirement Planning.

For more information please visit the United States Department of Labor website.

Photo: avdgaag

Cents-off coupons are providing big bucks for scam artists who offer business opportunity and work-at-home schemes featuring coupon certificate booklets and coupon clipping services. Using the Internet to market these so-called opportunities, fraudulent promoters are promising entrepreneurs, charity groups and consumers earnings of “hundreds per week” and “thousands per month” simply by selling coupon certificate booklets or cutting coupons at home. The fact is that consumers and manufacturers are getting clipped in these costly—and deceptive—coupon capers.

There’s only one legitimate way to use a coupon: Cut it out of the newspaper or other source and use it toward the purchase of the designated product. A coupon is meant to be used only by the consumer who buys the product for which the coupon is printed. Selling or transferring coupons to a third party violates most manufacturers’ coupon redemption policies—and usually voids the coupon.

Coupons are big business: More than 3,000 manufacturers distribute nearly 330 billion coupons—worth an estimated $280 billion—every year in an effort to help consumers save money. Indeed, it is thought that 77 percent of American households use some eight billion coupons to save $4.7 billion on their grocery bills.

Yet, fraudulent promoters are making money marketing and misrepresenting coupon-based business opportunities to unwary consumers and even savvy organizations.

Among the victims are:

Would-be entrepreneurs trying to run a business from home, people with otherwise limited income opportunities, and people just trying to make a living, who are losing savings and time and effort;

Charity groups, lured into selling coupon certificate booklets as fundraisers; and

Consumers who are dealing with complicated forms involving difficult procedures and handling fees to receive the same coupons manufacturers give away for free.

Here’s how the coupon scams work.

Coupon Certificate Booklet Scams

A promoter sells an investor a business opportunity selling coupon certificate booklets. The investor is supposed to sell the booklets to consumers for $20 to $50 each. The booklets contain 20 to 50 certificates, each of which can be redeemed for $10 worth of grocery coupons. That makes each booklet “worth” between $200 and $500 in coupons. To redeem the certificates for coupons, the consumer must complete and mail a form, select 30 to 50 products from a list and include a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a processing fee.

In theory, the investor should make big profits selling the booklets to consumers. And consumers should save big money by using the coupons when they buy the groceries. In reality, though, the promoter is the only one who makes money.

Investors who spend several hundred to several thousand dollars to buy the certificate booklet distributorship lose money because inflated earnings claims never pan out. Consumers who pay out substantial processing fees and postage for coupons lose money because they can clip coupons for themselves from their newspaper. To redeem $500 worth of certificates, for example, a consumer might pay postage and processing fees of over $100. And everyone loses on false claims that coupons have no expiration date: Only a tiny share of coupons issued by manufacturers have no expiration date.

Coupon Clipping Scam

A related scam centers on coupon clipping. Promoters make overblown promises about the income or profit potential for consumers working at home clipping coupons. These claims certainly sound appealing, but they are unsubstantiated at best and bold lies at worst. Making money—particularly “hundreds per week” and “thousands per month”—isn’t that easy. Success generally requires hard work.

Sometimes, fraudulent promoters use coupons clipped by consumers to fill orders from other consumers who redeem the coupon certificates. Many manufacturers have policies that do not allow coupons to be transferred. That is, the coupons that are being sold may not be redeemed by the retailer or manufacturer.

Coupon Scheme Clues

You can avoid losing your money to a bogus work-at-home coupon opportunity. Listen for these tell-tale tactics:

Guarantees of big profits, high income or amazing savings in a short time.

Claims that no risk is involved.

Lots of pressure to act now.

Claims that this is a hot, “can’t miss” opportunity.

Still tempted to get involved in a coupon clipping venture through an ad in the newspaper, a magazine or on the Internet? Exercise caution. Ask questions—and make sure the answers add up.

Ask for details of the company’s refund policy before you invest any money.

Ask for the total cost of the work-at-home program, including supplies, equipment and membership fees. What will you get for your money?

Find out who will pay you, whether you’ll be paid on salary or commission, and when you will get your first paycheck.

Get all promises in writing. Any promises you hear should be written into the contract you sign.

Check out the company with the consumer protection agency or Better Business Bureau in your own area and in the city where the company is located. These organizations can tell you whether other consumers have complained about the work-at-home program that interests you. It’s not fool-proof, but it is prudent.

Find out all the costs and fees associated with getting the coupons and then do the math. Often, in addition to buying the coupon certificates, you’ll have to pay hefty postage and processing fees.

Where to Complain

If you have been or are involved in a coupon certificate or coupon clipping business opportunity that isn’t making good on its promises, contact the company and ask for a refund. Let the company know you plan to notify officials about your experience. If you can’t resolve the dispute with the company, you may want to turn to one of these organizations for help:

The advertising manager of the publication that ran the ad. The manager should be interested in the problems you’ve had with the company.

Your local Postmaster. The US Postal Service investigates fraudulent mail practices.

The Attorney General’s Office in your state or the state where the company is located.

For more information visit the Federal Trade Commission website.

Photo:  Bright_Star

By: Michael DeJong

Personal care products are not regulated by the Food and Drug Administration or any government agency. In fact, there are more than 10,000 chemical ingredients found in personal care products—such as body wash, aftershave, and toothpaste—and 89 percent of these chemicals have not undergone any safety testing. Since we all need to bathe, wash our hair, moisturize our skin, brush our teeth, and groom ourselves, wouldn’t it be best to use safe alternatives rather than chemical-ridden products?

You can use 5 pure and simple ingredients; baking soda, lemon, olive oil, salt, and white vinegar, to keep yourself clean the organic and natural way.

Try these for yourself:

Skin Softner: Mix together equal parts of extra virgin olive oil and salt to create a wonderful skin softener.  Mix the two, so that the salt soaks up the olive oil, and then scrub your entire body, head to toe.  Expect to be energized as well as exfoliated.  Massage the mixture into your body and wash off thoroughly.  You’d pay good money for this treatment if you were at a spa!

Luxurious Bath: Cut two lemons into super-skinny slivers.  Dribble half a dozen drops of olive oil onto the citrus slices.  Give it a toss, and finish with three cups of sea salt.  Then, it’s hands off while the concoction cures for at least five minutes.  Add your citrus dermadip to a hot and steamy bath.  Lock the door, put on some soothing music, and submerge yourself into the citrus mix by loosening up and settling down for a long, luxurious, lazy soak. Reappear recharged and revived. You owe yourself this one!

Exfoliator: Liberate yourself of dead skin cells with this awesome all-over exfoliator.  Blend three quarters of a cup of sea salt or coarse kosher salt, three tablespoons of baking soda, and one-quarter cup of olive oil in a bowl.  Jump into a warm-to-hot shower, douse yourself down, dip a washcloth into the mixture, and scrub everything you can reach with the all-over exfoliator.  Rinse well.  Find your newly revealed, stunningly soft skin sparkling fresh and re-energized.

About the Author:
Michael DeJong, author of Clean Body:The Humble Art of Zen-Cleansing Yourself, is an environmentalist and eco-activist. In his book he offers clear cut recipes and solutions for all types of ailments such as acne, dry skin, body odor, dandruff, sunburn, and many others.

DeJong and Joost Elffers are generously donating all of the royalties from each of the books in the Clean Series to the OneCleanWorld Foundation, a philanthropic, not-for-profit organization that supports environmental projects worldwide with grants, technical assistance and/or microfinancing.

For more eco-Clean tips by Michael DeJong (aka ask Mr. Green) go to: My Kind of Clean

For more information on his book, please visit: Barnes & Noble

For more information about the foundation, please visit: One Clean World

Photo:  see brown eyes

“Crucial Conversations” are important. Mastering them can transform businesses and careers, strengthen teams, increase productivity, and boost the bottom line. To test your Crucial Conversation skills, take the following Style Under Stress Test.

Before you start, read through the following points:

Relationship: Before you get started, think about the relationship you want to improve—with your boss, coworker, direct report, friend, or family member—and keep this relationship in mind.

Circumstance: Next, think of a tough situation—one that you might have handled poorly or avoided altogether.

Apply: Now, with that situation in mind, respond to the following statements as either true or false.

Violence – When arguments get really heated there are times when I exaggerate my view, use harsh expression such as “that’s ridiculous!,” or I might even say things that hurt the other person.  T   F

Silence – At times rather than share my honest view, I use sarcasm to make my point, hold back my opinion altogether, or I might even avoid people rather than get into an argument.   T   F

Start with Heart – When I really get into an argument, sometimes I get so caught up in the heat of the moment that I move from trying to respectfully make my point to trying to win or maybe even discredit the other person.   T   F

State – When I really want to make sure my point is heard, I start with my conclusions such as “you can’t be trusted”—and then I follow with a strong statement of the facts—taking care to avoid weak words such as “perhaps,” or “I was wondering if…”   T   F

Learn to Look – In the middle of a tough conversation, I occasionally get so caught up in arguments that I miss how I’m coming across to others and fail to step back and adjust my verbal strategy.   T   F

Explore – When others appear hesitant to speak their honest view about a difficult or controversial topic, I don’t try to get them to open up, instead I either continue with my views or change the subject.   T   F

Make It Safe – When I find that I’m at cross purposes with someone, I often push ahead and keep trying to win my argument rather than looking for common ground or maybe even apologizing for being too forceful.   T   F

Master My Stories – When a conversation goes poorly, I’m more inclined to see the mistakes others made than notice my own role.   T   F

Move to Action – When finishing up a high-stakes and emotional conversation there have been times when I don’t complete the discussion by clarifying who will do what by when or identifying who has what decision authority.   T   F

Overall – When stakes are high, emotions run strong, and I really want to make sure my opinion is heard, I tend to get caught up in the moment and end up being more on my worst behavior than I am on my best behavior.   T   F

Score 1 for each false answer and tally up the number of points you received.

If you scored:

9 – 10  Dialogue wonder. Keep it up.

7 – 9  Good Job, but you can still use some work. Brush up on your crucial conversations skills.

4 – 7  In need of skills. You’re about average, so improving you crucial conversations could help you get unstuck.

0 – 3  Don’t leave the house. Before you do anything else, learn how to hold crucial conversations.

© 2009 VitalSmarts. All Rights Reserved. VitalSmarts, Crucial, Crucial Skills, and Style Under Stress are trademarks and Crucial Conversations is a registered trademark of VitalSmarts, L.C.

About the Authors:

This award-winning team of authors has produced three New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High (2002), Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior (2005), and Influencer: The Power to Change Anything (2007).

Kerry Patterson has authored award-winning training programs and led multiple long-term change efforts. He received the prestigious 2004 BYU Marriott School of Management Dyer Award for outstanding contribution in organizational behavior. He did doctoral work in organizational behavior at Stanford University.

Joseph Grenny is an acclaimed keynote speaker and consultant who has designed and implemented major corporate change initiatives for the past 20 years. He is also a cofounder of Unitus, a nonprofit organization that helps the world’s poor achieve economic self-reliance.

Ron McMillan is a sought-after speaker and consultant. He cofounded the Covey Leadership Center, where he served as vice president of research and development. He has worked with leaders ranging from first-level managers to corporate executives on topics such as leadership and team development.

Al Switzler is a renowned consultant and speaker who has directed training and management initiatives with dozens of Fortune 500 companies worldwide. He is on the faculty of the Executive Development Center at the University of Michigan.

Photo:  Normality = Abnormal

Gardening can be a great way to enjoy the outdoors, get physical activity, beautify the community, and grow nutritious fruits and vegetables. Whether you are a beginner or expert gardener, health and safety are important. Emergency room visits due to injuries related to lawn and garden equipment occur each year.

Below are some tips to help keep you safe and healthy so that you can enjoy the beauty and bounty gardening can bring.

Dress to protect.

Gear up to protect yourself from lawn and garden chemicals, equipment, insects, and the sun.

Wear safety goggles, sturdy shoes, and long pants when using lawn mowers and other machinery.

Protect your hearing when using machinery. If you have to raise your voice to talk to someone who is an arm’s length away, the noise can be potentially harmful to your hearing.

Wear gloves to lower the risk for skin irritations, cuts, and certain contaminants.

Protect yourself from diseases caused by mosquitoes and ticks. Use insect repellent containing DEET. Wear clothing treated with permethrin, long-sleeved shirts, and pants tucked in your socks. You may also want to wear high rubber boots since ticks are usually located close to the ground.

Lower your risk for sunburn and skin cancer. Wear long sleeves, wide-brimmed hats, sun shades, and sunscreen with SPF 15 or higher.

Put safety first.

Powered and unpowered tools and equipment can cause serious injury. Limit distractions, use chemicals and equipment properly, and be aware of hazards to lower your risk for injury.

Follow instructions and warning labels on chemicals and lawn and garden equipment.

Make sure equipment is working properly.

Sharpen tools carefully.

Keep harmful chemicals, tools, and equipment out of children’s reach.

Watch out for heat-related illness.

Even being out in short periods of time in high temperatures can cause serious health problems. Monitor your activities and time in the sun to lower your risk for heat-related illness.

Drink plenty of water throughout the day to replace lost fluids. Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to drink.

Avoid drinking liquids that contain alcohol or large amounts of sugar, especially in the heat. These actually cause you to lose more body fluid.

Take breaks often. Try to rest in shady areas so that your body’s thermostat will have a chance to recover. Stop working if you experience breathlessness or muscle soreness.

Pay attention to signs of heat-related illness, including extremely high body temperature, headache, rapid pulse, dizziness, nausea, confusion, or unconsciousness.

Watch people who are at higher risk for heat-related illness, including infants and children up to four years of age; people 65 years of age or older; people who are overweight; people who push themselves too hard during work or exercise; and people who are physically ill or who take certain medications (i.e. for depression, insomnia, or poor circulation).

Eat healthy foods to help keep you energized.

Know your limits.

Talk to your health care provider if you have physical, mental, or environmental concerns that may impair your ability to work in the garden safely.

If you have arthritis, use tools that are easy to grasp and that fit your ability. Research shows that moderate physical activity three or more days a week can give you more energy and can help relieve arthritis pain and stiffness.

If you are taking medications that may make you drowsy or impair your judgment or reaction time, don’t operate machinery, climb ladders, or do activities that may increase your risk for injury.

Listen to your body. Monitor your level of fatigue, heart rate, and physical discomfort.

Call 911 if you get injured, experience chest and arm pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, or heat-related illness.

Enjoy the benefits of physical activity.

Gardening is an excellent way to get physical activity. Active people are less likely than inactive people to be obese or have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, coronary artery disease, stroke, depression, colon cancer, and premature death.

Be active for at least 2½ hours a week. Include activities that raise your breathing and heart rates and that strengthen your muscles. You can burn 150 calories by gardening (standing) for approximately 30-45 minutes. Help kids and teens be active for at least 1 hour a day.

If you have been inactive, start out with just a few minutes of physical activity each day. Gradually build up time and intensity.

Vary your gardening activities to keep your interest and to broaden the range of benefits.

Get vaccinated.

Vaccinations can prevent many diseases and save lives. All adults should get a tetanus vaccination every 10 years. Tetanus lives in the soil and enters the body through breaks in the skin. Because gardeners use sharp tools, dig in the dirt, and handle plants with sharp points, they are particularly prone to tetanus infections.

Before you start gardening this season, make sure your tetanus/diphtheria (Td) vaccination is up to date.

Ask your health care provider if you need any other vaccinations.

For more information visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website.

Photo:  ClintRiter

By: Joel D. Block, Ph.D. & Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Wouldn’t it be nice if your partner just knew what you needed all the time? If at precisely the right moment he would just be there with the perfect compliment or item or whatever without you even asking? Dream on. Even the most communicative of couples are unable to completely anticipate each other’s needs.

The desire to have one’s needs met, however, is deeply rooted in your past. The concept of mind reading may well be a vestige of childhood. At that time in your life, you expected your parents to anticipate your every need, perhaps before you were even cognizant of what you wanted. As adults, however, we must be responsible for our own needs. That’s part of what it means to be a grownup. But in that same vein, if our needs involve our partner, it is up to us to speak up. Unfortunately, we all-too-often don’t.

The problem is that within silence lives a major precipitating factor for relationship failure. While it may be commonplace in this day-and-age to gripe about “communication problems,” many couples — influenced by the images of romantic love promulgated in our media-driven culture — believe that they should be inextricably linked to their partner through an innate understanding and sensitivity. In effect, they say, “You ought to know how I feel or what I mean if you really love me.” Realistically, however, this is often not the case.

You Should Just Know Me

Do you and your partner really know each other? Chances are you will answer “yes” right away if asked this question. Chances are a better answer would be “sometimes.” Human beings are mutable. People change, ideas change, thought-processes change — that’s how we grow. So to say that you unequivocally know your partner is to put a bit of a damper on the possibilities for growth within your relationship. And to expect your partner to know you and anticipate your every need also puts that growth-barrier on you. The only way your partner could possibly meet your every need would be if you never changed your mind about anything. Pretty limiting, right?

Yet, some would contend that being in a relationship allows them the privilege of being less forthcoming in their efforts to communicate than they might be with casual contacts precisely because their partner knows them better (and therefore presumably can fill-in-the-blanks when things are not communicated perfectly). The only problem with that theory is that if you’re using your communication skills more effectively with strangers than you are with your nearest and dearest, well, soon your partner won’t be your closest confidant any longer.

Additionally, people in relationships tend to consistently overestimate the ability of their partners to anticipate their behavior (and vice versa). Research has supported the claim that closeness does not automatically equal comprehension. Even in the simplest predictions of one another’s behavior, couples are usually wrong.

In a report published in Marriage and Family Living, researchers asked spouses which one of them would tend to talk more during a decision-making process dealing with how they would spend a hypothetical gift of several hundred dollars. The session was taped so that the actual amount of talking done by each could be measured. Only seventeen out of fifty individuals correctly predicted who would be the more active speaker. What’s more, after the session was over and the participants were once again asked who talked more, over half still judged incorrectly

In another study, investigators increased the participants’ motivation to predict correctly by showcasing a myriad of “prizes” — gloves, scarves, lingerie items, belts, and wallets. If, without communication, they could successfully coordinate their choices — that is, choose the same item — they would receive the items as rewards. They all failed. Not one of the twenty-five participating couples succeeded in predicting one another’s choices on as many as five of all twenty items.

In still another study, this time involving 116 couples, each partner was asked separately to give the names of persons considered by both partners to be close mutual friends, not including relatives. In an astonishing result, only six couples were in total accord on this task. One couple even failed outright, completely disagreeing on their mutual friends.

What this illustrates is that while couples may claim to know each other like the back of their hands, chances are they’re pretty frequently off the mark. That said, and studies aside, it should not be surprising that couples who engage in solid communicative efforts are happier and more sexual than those who make no concerted efforts to understand each other. In fact, a major feature in relationships suffering from a lack of intimacy is not a discernible lack of attraction between the partners but more likely a deficiency in their communication skills. In discordant relationships, there is usually a marked failure of both partners to express and be attuned to each other’s feelings and thoughts.

There may be any number of reasons a person might have an inability to “speak up” including coming from an uncommunicative family (which might mean inadequate development of verbal skills), shyness, lack of self-confidence, intimidation, controlled hostility (in which an individual may not communicate in an attempt not to “blow up”), suspicion, self-protection, and so on. Whatever the reason, most often the deterioration of communication occurs gradually and is the result of an interactive process. For example, sometimes a partner will encourage communication and then discourage it by frequent interruptions, in effect, disqualifying the speaker and her message. Or perhaps one partner will ask for more communication only to then feel like the other partner is “nagging,” which consequently leads to harbored resentment. The bottom line is that there is only one route to a truly happy relationship and that is through communication, not ESP.

Sex and Mind-Reading Needs

There is no doubt that talking about sex is tough. If it were a piece of cake every couple would have an amazing sex life. But on that same note, expecting your partner to just figure it out or automatically know what works for you is also totally unreasonable.

Still, when it comes to sex, most people tend to live by the credo “No news is good news.” In other words, if neither partner says anything, they tend to assume that their partner is okay with what is going on. Unfortunately, that is frequently miles from the truth. Sex is a highly intimate and vulnerable exchange. As a result many people are terrified to speak up about their needs for fear of hurting their partner’s feelings or possibly even worse, turning their partner off.

Women tend to have a particularly difficult time asking for what they need in bed because some women still believe they are supposed to focus on their partner’s pleasure rather than their own, and oftentimes their goals during sex are less about climax and more about closeness. So she just hopes and prays that by being sexually conjoined to her partner she will somehow get the intimacy she craves and that he will somehow figure out what would make her feel good without direction. Thing is, the phrase “different strokes for different folks” applies here; no woman or man comes with a road map. So what might have worked with one partner in the past won’t necessarily be pleasurable for a new partner. Unless there is a dialogue about the situation at some point, neither partner will know what is truly working and what is not.

Reading physical cues may give some couples information (i.e., if they seem to be sexually turned on then they assume things are good). One thing to keep in mind, however, is that there are a lot of good actors out there as well. People will frequently fake sexual pleasure in order to enhance their partner’s self-esteem or perhaps enjoyment of the experience. But this kind of behavior is usually to the detriment of one partner’s pleasure as well (the “acting” partner).

The basic point is, you’re an adult. Adults are responsible for their own needs. Likely, your partner is not going to be able to read your mind, so at some point, you’re going to have to get over it and talk to each other straight up about your sex life. By not doing so, you risk remaining unfulfilled. If you don’t create a road map, you’re likely to get lost.

Copyright © 2009 Joel Block, Ph.D. & Kimberly Dawn Neuman, authors of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Help Your Relationship . . . Without Leaving Your Bedroom

About the Authors:
Joel Block, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychologist, practicing couple and sex therapy in New York and offering couple-relationship seminars throughout the United States. Dr. Block has appeared on the Today show, Good Morning America, and CBS Morning. He lives in New York.
Visit Joel Block, Ph.D. at www.drblock.com

Kimberly Dawn Neumann, is a Broadway performer and highly credited dating/sex/relationship writer. Her work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Marie Claire, Maxim, and more. She lives in New York City.

For more information please visit www.SexComesFirst.com

Photo:  Hollywud Babylon

By: Natasha Morgan

People running Free Lunch Seminars target seniors, believing that they are an easy target for their sales pitch. They know how to raise fears pointing to problems that can surface if you haven’t managed to invest money wisely enough to provide a comfortable retirement.

Attending a Free Lunch Seminar seems harmless and can be used as a fact finding mission. However, after an expensive lunch with seemingly personable financial experts, many seniors are seduced into allowing a sales person to subsequently come to their home where the “hard sell” can take place.

The return on investment can be tempting but it is important to understand exactly what is REALLY being offered. A legitimate company will not sell products that are inappropriate to the person’s circumstances and it will provide a contract clearly outlining all of the specifics and sufficient time for the buyer to review it.

To avoid being scammed:

* Remember that you are under no obligation to buy anything even if the lunch is free
* Don’t open an account of any sort until you have fully investigated the company and the investment products.

If the following has not been covered to your satisfaction, ask these questions:

* What are the risks for the investment?
* How much is the initial cost?
* Are there additional risks or costs associated with the product?
* How long will the money be tied up?
* If I want to cash in my investment, are there fees that apply?
* Which regulator has registered the investment?

If you are satisfied with the answers and they were provided in writing, check the company and the contract with:

*The state securities regulator or North American Securities Administrators Association at (202) 737-0900.
*Securities and Exchange Commission

These regulators are unbiased and will gladly offer non-commercial advice.

To avoid being “taken-in” by fast talking sales people, take your time and be sure you understand the contract. Seek help in interpreting the clauses if you’re not fully comfortable with all of the wording. Good investments by legitimate companies are available. Just be sure you are dealing with one of them.

This article was written specifically for notjustthekitchen.com.

It can be copied provided the content is in no way altered and the following link remains active: Read more articles geared toward women.

Photo: Niagara falls2008